Judith is
the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors
spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from
relationship to romance.
I’ve two friends I met in
1980 who have “memory loss” or “dementia.” They have different forms of
cognitive decline. (I learned there are 30 different types of dementia while talking to
the primary care doctor of one of them). But back to my story.
I unconditionally accept
that both of these exceedingly bright people have dementia/memory loss.
I unconditionally accept
that it shows up differently in each of them – but that does not make the
diagnosis less accurate.
I unconditionally accept
that I will remain their friend until their death even beyond the time when
they no longer really know who I am.
Now to unconditional
support.
One of my friends lives in
the same community I do. When his wife was dying she asked me to watch out for
him. I agreed. After her death, he asked me to help him. I agreed. This past
year has been fraught with all sorts of challenges as I’ve attempted and at
times succeeded in supporting him.
In some ways it is easier
with him being nearer. I can stop by and talk to him, see his physical
reaction, talk to staff (yes, I assisted him in moving to a protected living
situation so he’d be safer). He also says he has dementia and while not
thrilled with the diagnosis, he has made peace with it.
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| Sunset on the Oregon Coast - a place we all love |
We spoke on the phone last
night and she was distressed. She’d heard there was a new drug on the market
and she’d called her doctor to ask about having it prescribed for her. When she
was told there was nothing to be done for her, she told me she cried and cried
and cried.
Part of her story was that
the receptionist or medical assistant told her in what was, to her, a harsh
tone of voice. So, being who I am, I asked her “If it was true that there was
nothing that could be done, how would she want that information told to her?”
I ended up asking the
question two more times because she just didn’t seem to understand it.
However, when she answered
it, I understood it wasn’t her memory loss (that’s the only term she can use to
reference her cognitive decline) that was the problem.
She is unable/unwilling to
accept that there is nothing that can be done. She believes as long as studies
are being done, researchers are seeking cures, there is a chance that the
progress of her disease can be halted.
Knowing this, understanding
this gives me a different way to unconditionally support her. I won’t be asking
her the kinds of questions that create that dissonance for her, the ones where
she faces the answer she doesn’t want.
She said “Why would I want
to live if I knew there was no hope and I’d become a vegetable, unable to care
for myself, unable to enjoy anything?”
Of course she would not want
to live under those circumstances and knowing her for 37 years I totally
understand that.
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| Lily helps vulnerable adults |
As her memory fails (the
past 10 – 15 years have faded to almost nothing). I can listen and reminisce with her about the trips and other events
we’ve shared.
As her memory fails, I can
remain her friend even when she isn’t sure who I am I can still show up in her
life.
These are just two examples
of people I unconditionally accept as they are and unconditionally support as best I can.
Please share your thoughts
in the comments section so we can have a conversation.
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Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is
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