By Judith Ashley
During
February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking
about Love and Belonging. Dr.
Glasser said this Basic Need is the most important because there is an element
of connections/relationship needed to best satisfy the other three
psychological needs.
Yes, love is more than a feeling to me. We tell others “I love you”. We hear “I love you, too” said back. At times someone may say “I love you” first and we repeat back that we love that person “too”.
I write romance a blessing, a gift, a way to balance
my life because for almost fifty years I worked as
a private guardian and
geriatric care manager and/or in child welfare and/or in an emergency after hours
capacity for vulnerable adults. My professional life has shown me all too
clearly that there can be a gigantic disconnect between the words “I love you”
and the actions we’d expect from someone who truly does love us. I am consciously choosing not to site
numerous examples but I do invite you to think about where you may have
experienced or born witness to that disconnect.
In my short story “Is He The One?” available through major outlets, my website and Windtree Press, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She readily acknowledges they love each other (the feeling).
Her question is: Is that enough? While she, herself has not been abused, she is aware of the issue of domestic violence and child abuse. Committed to doing her very best not to get caught in that “but I love him” trap, she decides to delve deeper into the conundrum of love, to determine for herself if there is a disconnect between how she and Jonathan ‘feel’ about each other and how they treat each other.
Bill Glasser talked and wrote about the importance of loving relationships in our lives. He also talked and wrote about the reality that the only person whose behavior we have control over is our own.
It is a myth to think that we really can “make” someone do something. There are people every day who literally die for their beliefs and that has been true throughout history. It is at times convenient to say “I couldn't help it” or “S/he made me”. When I hear those words, I know that isn't actually true.
The truth is more along the line of “I didn't know how to say “no” because s/he is bigger than I am (or has more power as in could fire me, etc.) or it is easier to go along than to stand up for my beliefs or s/he might not like me anymore (in some circumstances we call that peer pressure).
It’s question time!
1. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are the words and actions of the people you love towards you?
2. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and l being low/bad, how congruent are Your Words and Actions towards the people in your life you love?
3. When you look at the disconnect, what are the others attempting to get or accomplish with their behavior?
4. What are you trying to get or accomplish in those relationships where there is a disconnect?
Next week I’ll explore the Psychological Basic Need of “Power”. I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.
Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle
series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul
and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the
Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules
training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality
Therapy.Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts www.glasserconceptstraining.com or check out TheWilliam Glasser Institute for more information on training and educational opportunities.
