Thoughts of Friendships Old and New: Part IV

By Judith Ashley

I actually didn’t realize it then but my life as I knew it started a Massive Change twelve months ago. My youngest granddaughter, who’d lived with me all her life, graduated from high school and turned eighteen. I spent the summer and into the fall using a steroid inhaler and using a nebulizer. My aunt, the last of her generation, died in April at 103. I traveled to California in August for the Memorial Service. A few other cousins from across the US attended. And I stayed a few extra days to support my cousin in the overwhelming tasks of packing up 60+ years of her parents’ life.

I came home to my youngest granddaughter moving out, my health compromised even more from the trip and looking at my own home where I’ve lived almost forty years from a different perspective. Why do I have everything I do? When was the last time I thoroughly cleaned and dusted every book in the house? Was it fair to leave all the ‘cleaning up and sorting out’ to my heirs or should I do more myself?

During this time, I was in frequent phone contact with my best friend in Ohio who had memory problems. I made a commitment to myself and to her that I’d visit in the Spring.

Many memories of our time in Ireland.

Other life events? My youngest granddaughter announced she was going to have a baby girl in May. My best friend in Oregon was diagnosed with gall bladder problems and had surgery. My first reader was having health and business issues (she had to move locations at exactly the same time she was going to start reading #5 Hunter.

Shifting and adjusting to the events around me there were times I felt I was in the words of the Simon and Garfunkle song “slip sliding away”. But I hung on. I was a friend and in that world, I knew it was my job to understand, make allowances for and make the adjustments when problems arose.

I kept my commitment to spend quality time in Ohio. I traveled on May 4^th and arrived at my friend’s door at 7 p.m. EDT. I left on May 20^th at 2 p.m. and arrived home at 10 p.m. PDT. I’d had many ‘hopes’ for my time with my friend. Some hopes were realized. We looked at photo albums and reminisced about trips we’d made together. We ate Grater’s ice cream. We ordered pizza from LaRosa’s. Other hopes were not realized – at least my hopes weren’t. While there was a subtle shift in cognitive thinking, it wasn’t a significant shift.  I left thankful I’d made the trip and yet a blanket of sadness coated my heart.

The “what if’s” bombarded me. The “if only’s” piled up. I was her best friend. She was

my best friend. We’d been friends since we first met in July 1980 at a Glasser Conference in Houston, Texas.

Since my return to Oregon, I’ve struggled with what my relationship with my friend would be, would look like. Would it help her if I returned and spent six months or even a year? Would it help if I called her every ________ at exactly the same time?

And over arcing those questions? How can I call myself her best friend if I don’t do each of those things and more? After all, best friends show up however they are needed.

So I’ve been on a journey reframing my concept of who I am within the context of the words “friend” and “friendship”.

Dr. William Glasser, MD was a very wise man. His psychological theory “Choice Theory” is an explanation of how and why we behave. One of the concepts is about ‘true conflict’.

Thinking about my conundrum from that perspective I know there is no way I can be in Ohio for six months or a year because I have other commitments here. And, to be honest, she is used to living alone. I’m not sure that having someone, even me, living with her 24/7 would make her happy. My visiting again? Yes.

So, the conundrum is of my own making in many respects. It is the picture I have of myself as a friend that is not being matched by my actions. And, if I did match my actions to that picture of myself as her friend, I’d have other pictures of myself as an author, mother, grandmother, sister, cousin, friend, circle sister, neighbor, etc. that would not be matched. There is no decision I can make that will assure all my expectations of myself will be matched. And that is a True Conflict.

Which is why I’m reframing my idea of what being her friend is.

So far I’ve come up with “as long as she knows who I am, I’ll be a part of her life. I’ll call and talk to her on the phone, send her cards and notes, and hopefully have another in person visit with her”. 

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul.

Learn more by visiting her website.

See her author page at Windtree Press.

Thoughts on Friendships Old and New - Part One

I'm Judith Ashley. I write romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nourish the soul.

I’m one of those people who don’t have lots of friends but the ones I have, I keep. May 2015 was a month about friendships.

My friend of almost 35 years whose name is also Judith lives in Ohio. I’d missed visiting her last year due to some health problems. This year I was determined to make the trip—and I did.

Judith, Gimi, Connie

However, my month of friendships started on May 1 when I spend time with my Intention Sisters, Gimi and Connie. We’d just spent a couple of days in Depoe Bay, Oregon my all-time favorite place on the Oregon coast. Saturday, May 2, they both left for their homes in Texas and Arizona after we shared breakfast at Elmer’s.

Monday, May 4^th I traveled from Oregon to Ohio—an exhausting trip in many ways but I did read Paty Jager’s first Shandra Higheagle mystery. If you haven’t read Paty’s books, I highly recommend them.

My friend, Judith was waiting on her front porch for me and the delight at seeing me rejuvenated my tired body. We’ve always talked on the phone in between visits but it had been almost 5 years since we’d seen each other. It is no surprise to people who know me that we were up until 2 a.m. Ohio time talking!

That really set the pattern for my visit—10 to 14 hours of conversation each day, much of it intense, over the next 15 days. Why were there intense conversations? 

Because my best friend of 35 years has significant memory loss and so I answered the same question numerous times during my visit. And, some of the questions were challenging: Did I think she was safe in her home? Did I think she was a bad driver? Did I really think her short term memory loss was that bad? Why did I think she needed to wear a ‘life line’ button?

Sunset just north of Depoe Bay, Oregon

We got out picture albums and revisited our trips to Ireland and the Balkans both during the war and a few years later. We reminisced about other adventures we had. She has fond memories of New Orleans and I don’t. I have fond memories of Seattle and her memories of that last visit are vague. We both love the Oregon Coast and I’d love to have her back for another visit there but she doesn’t think she wants to travel any more.

Because she no longer drives outside her neighborhood, I offered to take her to places further away that have been important in her life and that she continues to talk about missing.

She declined.

We talked about getting our picture taken together but never followed through. We talked about my coming back next year or maybe this fall. Time will tell.

On the left is a picture of me with a lei from Hawaii.

Check back next week to see the story behind this picture.

To learn more about The Sacred Women's Circle series, check out 

My author page at Windtree Press and 

My Judith Ashley Romance website.

June 5th I'll have a post up at Romancing The Genres. June is our "Shout Out For Charity" month. I'm spotlighting "Beading The Odds", a non-profit that is making a difference in the lives of young men who are incarcerated at Oregon's McClaren's School for Boys.

If you are looking for great books to read over the summer, check out the posts from the Genre-istas at RTG as well as at Windtree Press.