Who Has The Power?

By Judith Ashley

During February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Four Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking about Power. Dr. Glasser said this Basic Need is the most difficult to understand because we live in an “external control” society and we teach and support the myth that other people can control us.

There’s a commercial airing on television these days where the actor is striding through the airport, grabbing someone else’s coffee, etc. He is on his way to get his rental car. Why do I mention this commercial?

The actor’s lines go something like this “some people think I’m a control freak, I think of myself as a control enthusiast”. When I first saw this commercial I laughed. As I've seen it again and again and think of it through the “Power” lens of the psychological needs, I no longer laugh. The actor bypasses people because he doesn't want to engage with them and at the end, posed beside a car, he contemplates what being a ‘control enthusiast’ is and comes up with “sexy”.

If you've ever been at the mercy of someone who will do just about (or maybe anything) to gain the upper hand, to win, to be first, to “make you” bend to them, I doubt you see being a control enthusiast as ‘sexy’.

Unless—

Unless you are exerting internal control, using your personal power to enhance your life, making yourself into the person you want to be.

In my short story “Is He The One?” included in "Gifts of the Heart through Windtree Press, my website and major e-retailers, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She readily acknowledges they love each other and they both want to do their best as high school teachers. Will Jonathan want to control her? Will he disregard her opinions? Since they both have their own apartments, how will they sort things out when living together and seeing the other person do something at best ‘differently’ and at worse ‘wrong’?

Bill said more than once that all the problems we have in the world are because of people working to

gain control over others. In my personal and professional life, I see almost all, if not all misery stemming from other people exerting control/punishment/coercion over others. Early in my child welfare career, I had a supervisor who planted tape recorders in the area where our desks were to try and catch us doing something wrong. Fortunately, he wasn't my supervisor for long! The person who replaced him would come and sit with us and ask us what we needed from her to be able to do our work, to be the best child welfare worker we could be.

One could say both were control enthusiast. I know which one I wanted to work for!

Of course the world would be a better place if everyone believed, thought and acted as I do! That is a core understanding those of us who've studied and worked with Glasser have. I can assure you that isn't going to happen.

So, how can you move forward and shift from external control/power to incorporate the concept of internal or personal power?

It’s question time!

1. What is happening when you try to “make” someone do what you want or how you want a task to be done?

2. What would need to be different for you to engage the other person/people in a cooperative effort to complete the task?

3. Can young children understand these concepts? Spoiler alert: Yes! My youngest granddaughter could explain pointing to a graphic Dr. Glasser developed to show his concepts, what was going on when she was upset. I will add that understanding is not accepting!

4. What would be different if you eliminated all punishment, coercion, criticizing, blaming, complaining, threatening or rewarding for control (bribing) from your relationships at work and at home?

Next week I’ll explore the Psychological Basic Need of “Freedom”. I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts here or check out The William Glasser Institute to learn about more educational and training opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Love Is More Than A Feeling!

By Judith Ashley

During February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking about Love and Belonging. Dr. Glasser said this Basic Need is the most important because there is an element of connections/relationship needed to best satisfy the other three psychological needs.

Yes, love is more than a feeling to me. We tell others “I love you”. We hear “I love you, too” said back. At times someone may say “I love you” first and we repeat back that we love that person “too”.

I write romance a blessing, a gift, a way to balance my life because for almost fifty years I worked as

a private guardian and geriatric care manager and/or in child welfare and/or in an emergency after hours capacity for vulnerable adults. My professional life has shown me all too clearly that there can be a gigantic disconnect between the words “I love you” and the actions we’d expect from someone who truly does love us. I am consciously choosing not to site numerous examples but I do invite you to think about where you may have experienced or born witness to that disconnect.

In my short story “Is He The One?” available through major outlets, my website and Windtree Press, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She readily acknowledges they love each other (the feeling).

Her question is: Is that enough? While she, herself has not been abused, she is aware of the issue of domestic violence and child abuse. Committed to doing her very best not to get caught in that “but I love him” trap, she decides to delve deeper into the conundrum of love, to determine for herself if there is a disconnect between how she and Jonathan ‘feel’ about each other and how they treat each other.

Bill Glasser talked and wrote about the importance of loving relationships in our lives. He also talked and wrote about the reality that the only person whose behavior we have control over is our own.

It is a myth to think that we really can “make” someone do something. There are people every day who literally die for their beliefs and that has been true throughout history. It is at times convenient to say “I couldn't help it” or “S/he made me”. When I hear those words, I know that isn't actually true. 

The truth is more along the line of “I didn't know how to say “no” because s/he is bigger than I am (or has more power as in could fire me, etc.) or it is easier to go along than to stand up for my beliefs or s/he might not like me anymore (in some circumstances we call that peer pressure).

It’s question time!

1. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are the words and actions of the people you love towards you?

2. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and l being low/bad, how congruent are Your Words and Actions towards the people in your life you love?

3. When you look at the disconnect, what are the others attempting to get or accomplish with their behavior?

4. What are you trying to get or accomplish in those relationships where there is a disconnect?

Next week I’ll explore the Psychological Basic Need of “Power”. I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts www.glasserconceptstraining.com or check out TheWilliam Glasser Institute for more information on training and educational opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Why Blog? By Judith Ashley

Surveys have shown that readers seldom purchase a book because of the author's blog - so, the question is "why do I write one?" Actually I regularly (once a week) post here and at Romancing The Genres (first Friday of each month).

Kristen Lamb, in a recent blog post (link below) talks about why, even if readers don't often buy from a blog, it is important to write one.

https://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/2015/01/16/marketing-social-media-book-signings-why-none-of-these-directly-impact-book-sales/#comment-206141

What I've found as I've tried various themes, topics, platforms over the past couple of years is that when I'm passionate about something, especially if I can't sleep, this is a good place to release that energy and get back to sleep or get back on track with whatever I'm working on.

I've also used this blog as a way to explain how integral my understanding of Dr. William Glasser's
work is to my writing life and my personal life.

And, I've shared personal and professional events here.

I'm at a place where my goal is to more firmly establish what I want to use the Judith Ashley blog "Intentions and Synchronicities" for.

Do I want to post more than once a week?

Do I want to change off with a different focus each Monday?

Do I want to remain as I am - eclectic?


While I continue to write the first draft of Hunter, the 5th book in The Sacred Women's Circle series, I'll most like continue as I am - whatever strikes my fancy will be up on Monday.

Please be sure and click on the link and read Kristen Lamb's post. It really is informative.

For more information on The Sacred Women's Circle, check out my website.

For a fun way to start your day, check out  Romancing The Genres and see what the Genre-istas and our RTG guests (January's guests are Debut Authors and February's are Scottish Romance Writers) are up to.

And, if you are looking for great reads, check out Windtree Press. We've over 100 titles available!

What else can I call Frustration?

Welcome! I'm Judith Ashley author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

In my belief system, the feeling of frustration is a negative and therefore, does not help me maintain a positive outlook on life or keep me energized in a good way.

While I've completed 75 - 80% of what I wanted to do today, I find myself stymied by my old nemesis---technology.

Yes, indie-publishing has many learning curves and while I have learned them, I have three novels and an anthology out there, the challenge is I haven't used these new skills since last March! So they are pretty much lost.

This afternoon (I'm writing this Sunday for Monday readers), it took me about ten minutes to figure out how to get into Amazon's Createspace publishing program! I kept ending up on Amazon with all the "buy this" and "buy that" - not where I wanted to be at all.

I e-published Ashley, the fourth story in The Sacred Women's Circle series, on December 24, 2014 and I'm now ready to put the print book out there BUT

Recounting the barriers here is not helpful so suffice it to say, I'm taking a step back. Hard boiling some eggs (a great snack/meal if I'm in a hurry or just too busy to fix anything), and calling it a day.

One thing I've learned is that the closer together I publish my stories, the easier this process will be. Why? Because I'll still remember how to do it. After ten months, it's almost like learning it from the beginning - not quite, but close. Can't believe it took me so long to figure out how to get into kdp.amazon.com  

Also I've had re-enforced there are times when postponing things to another time works better for me than plowing through.

I'm always looking for new ideas on how to keep on the positive track.

Would love to know what you do when frustration looms? Do you push through? Do you step back?

You can learn more about The Sacred Women's Circle series here.

Gifts from the Heart

Welcome, I'm Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the path from relationship to romance.

Welcome again to 2015! What's special about this first Monday of the new year?

The Windtree Press Valentine Anthology "Gifts from the Heart" is available. Here's the back cover copy.


Rediscover the magic and romance of Valentine’s Day with these nine stories of Gifts From The Heart. Stories of best friends, lost chances, first love, love renewed, and new love will bring a tear to your eye and a little skip in the beat of your heart.

Read about a wounded warrior saved by a ring. Empathize with two different widows as they strive to overcome their past and open their hearts to trust again. Follow a survivor of the Titanic as she boards another ship and her past and future collide.

Shiver with the cautionary tale of the prison of love in the legend of Ann’er from the dark world of Thorn. Laugh at the humorous escapades of a young woman led to find love through the questionable assistance of her cat. Then finish this volume by relaxing in the fairy-tale world of a little dog who helps a sad and lonely princess learn to accept the unconditional love of pets.


“The Telltale Heart” by Sarah Raplee
“Is He the One?” by Judith Ashley
“Saved by the Ring” by Diana McCollum
“Be My Valentine” by Susan Lute
“Dancing on the Water” by Mercer Addison
“Heart of a Highlander” by Collette Cameron
“The Flaming Heart of Winter” by Pamela Cowan
“Matchmaker Cat” by Jane Killick
“Metro Goes to London” by Susie Slaninawww.susieslanina.com

My role in this anthology was expanded because, along with Sarah Raplee and Diana McCollum, I was one of the editors. In that role, I've had the pleasure of reading each of these stories. My favorite? For various reasons, each story touched my heart.

Here is the Table of Contents copy about my story:

Is He the One? by Judith Ashley

When her best friend and long-time lover proposes, Sophia hesitates to say “yes.” Unable to trust her heart, Sophia analyzes their relationship using Dr. William Glasser’s concept of basic psychological needs. By morning she has her answer.

The beautiful cover is by Christy Carlyle of Gilded Heart Design.

Please consider adding Gifts from the Heart to your New Year's book purchase! It is available at Windtree Press and other major e-retailers.

Visit my website for more information about The Sacred Women's Circle series.
Click here to watch my YouTube podcast.

2015 and Smart Phones

Welcome, I'm Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, contemporary romantic fiction that honor spiritual practices that nourishes the soul and celebrate the journey from relationship to romance.

What are my goals for 2015?

One of them is to learn to use my ‘smart phone’ more effectively.

It’s humbling to know my phone is smarter than I am in some ways. I’ve now figured out how to set the alarm, add appointments to the calendar but will also admit to being irritated when it reminds me of something I know about.

I’ve also resigned myself to the reality that the phone function is Not its primary purpose. I can more easily check my emails than make a phone call!

How does this fit in with Dr. Glasser’s concepts?

When something is working, we keep doing it.

When something isn’t working, we look for other ways.

But there’s another concept at work here. We all have beliefs about the world around us and our place it. One of my beliefs is that I’m curious, intelligent and capable. Seeing so many people pulling out their smart phones and tapping in appointments, lists, etc., I decided to try it out. See what it’s like to be paperless (not really because I still have my paper system) but if this is a system that would work for me.

To be honest I really can’t see me totally giving up my organizational process. But I have begun to use texting as a way to communicate – usually easier than making that phone call.

I check my emails on my phone more often than on the computer – fast check only. I seldom answer through my phone because typing the answer this way takes waaay more time than when at my computer.

However, there is a problem with checking my emails this way. I can only check three of my 5 accounts. For some reason the phone will not sync to the 4^th address I regularly check. My option to “fix” this is to spend time on the phone with the Comcast technical center to see if they can lead me through a process to connect this last email account to my phone.

My other idea is, when I pay my dues to the William Glasser Institute is to change that email address to a gmail account. Google plays nicer with Samsung than Explorer does.

What do you like best about your smart phone?

Do you have functions you wish worked better than they do?

Time Warps and To Do Lists

Welcome, I'm Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, contemporary romantic fiction that honor spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrate the journey from relationship to romance.

Does anyone else live in a time warp or is it only me?

In my memory, time used to be more consistent. Now it seems to zip by at warp speed or creep by.

It is the Monday before Christmas when I write this. Less than two weeks until 2015. A time for reflection?

What have I accomplished in 2014?

I’ve still a few tasks still on my To Do List but for the most part, major items are crossed off.

I will admit to being an inveterate list maker. I have a list of my 2014 writing goals next to my computer. Each week I write out my daily goals. What’s sort of cool is I have every week’s list for the entire year! I used to keep a daily organizer to keep track of appointments. This year I changed my practice to this weekly list. I think I’ll keep it for 2015.

What does this have to do with Dr. Glasser’s concepts?

Remember “All behavior is purposeful” and if something is working for us i.e. we find it helpful, we keep on doing it. I like the practice of sitting down on Sunday and writing out on a piece of paper what I want to accomplish the next week.

To be honest, what I like most of all about my practice is the crossing off of each task as it is completed.

OR

I circle the task and draw an arrow to another day. Sometimes a task transfers to another week.

However, when I finish it, I go back and cross it off wherever it was listed. Very satisfying for me.

How do you organize?

Are you a paper and pen/pencil person?

Do you use an electronic calendar (computer, phone, etc.)?

Check out my website 
I also blog the first Friday of the month at http://romancingthegenres'blogspot.com
My author page at Windtree Press