When engaging with others, asking ourselves “The Ultimate Question” often creates an environment
that supports positive
interactions and relationships. What is that question?
“If I say or do (fill in the blank) will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?”
Connected with “The Ultimate Question” is the idea of “Caring” and “Destructive” Habits which I’ll share in more detail next Monday.
If your relationships are going well (and the other person/people think that also), then most likely you are already using the “caring habits”.
When relationships hit bumpy areas, most likely one or both of you are using the “deadly habits in an effort to “Make” the other person change or agree with you.
In Choice Theory and Reality Therapy terms we say that is “External Control Psychology.” Around the world the prevalent thought is that we can control others when in actuality that is a myth of gigantic proportions.
As I write this post, someone is dying for principles that are more important than living. And, as I write this post, someone is making the choice to change in order to remain alive.
We all make choices based on our internal sense of what is important to us, what we believe in, what someone we love or respects wants us to do. So, it may feel like we are doing something we don’t really want to do but the truth is, we’d rather do it than experience the result of not doing it.
I've certainly done my share of household chores, school assignments and even work-related tasks over the years. Have I wanted to do all of them? No.
But I did.
Household chores: grounding, deductions from my allowance, arguing with my parents and still being expected to do the chore were incentives for Me to decide to do them – not necessarily with a smile on my face and joy in my heart but my parents did not expect that. More than once I had part of my allowance deducted and I was grounded because I would rather have that consequence than do the chore.
School assignments: Many, many boring chapters read, endless papers written, inane or maybe insane projects completed over sixteen plus years because I wanted to graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a salary increase by completing additional educational coursework. And, being who I am, it wasn't acceptable to me to have poor grades. (My parents’ message was “as long as you do your best”).
Work-related tasks: paycheck! When things were truly not something I wanted to do, I reminded myself I had a job and most of the people I worked with did not and because I had the job, I was getting paid to write the report, to check on the person, to spend time in a filthy hoarder house, etc.
Between now and next week monitor your internal process when you do something you tell yourself you don’t want to do.
Why are you doing it?
What would the consequence be if you didn't?
Next week I’ll share Dr. Glasser’s Seven Deadly and Seven Caring Habits.
Remember: Your Choices Today Determine Your Tomorrow
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Check out my Glasser Concepts trainings and workshops at http://GlasserConceptsTraining.com