 |
| Judith |
Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to
his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital
in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before
I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable
man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.
Dr. Glasser talked and wrote about the importance
of loving relationships in our lives. He also talked and wrote about the
reality that the only person whose behavior we have control over is our own.
It is a myth to think that we really can
“make” someone do something. There are people every day who literally die for
their beliefs and that has been true throughout history. It is at times
convenient to say “I couldn’t help it” or “S/he made me”. When I hear those
words, I know that isn’t actually true. (Click here for my post on external control).
The truth is more along the line of “I didn’t
know how to say “no” because s/he is bigger than I am (or has more power as in
could fire me, etc.) or it is easier to go along than to stand up for my
beliefs or s/he might not like me anymore (in some circumstances we call that
peer pressure).
Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale
of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are the words
and actions of the people you love towards you?
If
there is a high degree of congruence, you are most likely very happy in
this relationship. However, in general the more in-congruence, the
increase is in unhappiness.
Rule of Thumb: if you like what's going on, keep doing what
you're doing.
Problems
occur when there is more in-congruence than we want. For example: you are a new
parent and getting ready to go out for the evening. Your baby spits up on your
shirt/blouse as you lean over to kiss her goodbye. Being covered in baby puke
is seldom seen as a positive. However, most adults do not believe some action
needs to be taken (other than changing clothes).
Another
example: in your family the roles of husband and wife were clearly delineated.
You and your new spouse talked about wanting more of a partnership, a sharing
of household tasks. Months into your new arraignment, you realize you are
the only one taking the garbage out. The next time the garbage needs to go out
you say "It's your turn." If you're succinct that's all you say. If
you want to make a point, you remind your spouse that since you moved into this
place, they have never taken the garbage out.
Yes,
even something this small and insignificant in the relative scheme of things
can create bigger problems. If in your family, you saw that taking the garbage
out was a sign of caring for the other spouse, you may not even realize that
was your perception until you are the only one taking it out.
Baby spitting up? That's
what babies do.
Do we like it? Not
particularly but that's what babies do.
Leaving
me to take the garbage out? That's a sign I'm disrespected or maybe not loved
as much or?
Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale
of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are Your Words
and Actions towards the people in your life you love?
In
general we find it easier to look at someone else's behavior than our own. To
create a high level of connectedness which can also be seen as unconditional
love or unconditional acceptance, we must look at our part in the relationship.
How I
communicate my perception of the whole "who takes the garbage out"
situation matters. Even the succinct "It's your turn" if said in a
negative tone (critical, sarcastic, nagging, etc.) creates repercussions we may
not want. If we add the history of who has and hasn't taken the garbage out, we
are upping the ante and increasing the odds of distance between ourselves and
our spouses.
Here we
are, six months into the marriage, we are the only ones who are taking the
garbage out and we thought we had an agreement of sharing household tasks. It
doesn't feel like we are doing any sharing of this one.
A. Why
is it important that your spouse also take out the garbage? What is "the
other" meaning of that task to you? (See above for one example).
B. How
and when do you bring the topic up if, after you've answered "A", you
still this task handled differently? (Hint: neutral is best. One tactic that
backfires in the long, if not the short run, is to bargain for control.
"I'll fix your favorite dessert if you will..."
C. In any
relationship, establishing boundaries in communication is important. Basics are
no threats, swearing, name-calling, etc.
After dinner while you
are both clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen?
During a commercial in a
television movie or sporting event?
While getting ready for
bed? or getting ready in the morning?
What do you say to start
the conversation?
Sweetie, do you realize
you never take the garbage out?
Remember
before we got married we talked about sharing household tasks? How do you think
that's going?
The
other day I realized a holdover from my family I'd like to share with you. My
dad always took the garbage out and my mom always thanked him and gave him a
hug and a kiss when he came back in.
Or
maybe: In my family we always knew we were in trouble when we had to take the
garbage out.
The purpose of this post is not to
tell you what to do or even how to do it but to present some ideas that will
provide a framework for you to think about the level of connectedness or
disconnectedness in your relationships.
Next week we’ll explore ways to
increase connectedness.
You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series
on my website.
Check out my Windtree Press
author page.
Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19
I’m also on Facebook
© 2016 Judith Ashley
No comments:
Post a Comment