I
attended an event in September that had some Very Slow time and me, being me, I
got out my pen and paper and made notes about topics for my October, November
and December blog posts. So here I am writing the last post for November. My
note?
Use
men as example. OMG, what did I mean when I wrote down those four words? At
first I thought I just wasn’t reading it correctly. After all, it was at the
end of the page and written over something printed.
Then
I realized my note to myself wasn’t just about men. It was about wanting to
change our partners, make them different, mold them into something better.
Again,
my work with Dr. William Glasser comes in handy. A concept we work with: The
Only Person We Can Control Is Ourself.
Some
people argue that isn’t true but if we look at the concept, really look at
options, we know it is true. If we are controlled by others, we would always do
what they say. There are instances where, when a gun was put to their head,
some took the bullet rather than comply with the request.
Most
relationships end because one person was unable to change the other person.
When the bloom is off the romance, when the bills come in, when life is hard,
when the children are sick and the roof leaks—the relationship is stressed and
that’s when we more clearly see the “flaws” in each other.
The
reality he never cooks doesn’t matter until the day you and two kids huddle in
bed. You each have your own bucket to puke in because the toilet is too far
away. “Where’s dinner?” he asks coming in the door. Your stomach roils at the
thought of food, both kids are down to dry heaves. “What am I going to eat?”
She
loves to shop and you love to see her in a great new outfit but then the
company downsizes and you are out of a job. Oh, but we have savings, she says.
“It’s going to be okay. You’ll get another job --- and there was this great 50%
off sale. I saved us $150.00!!!
These
may seem like extreme scenarios but I lived one of them and it wasn’t about shopping.
In
Ashley when she’s diagnosed with
recurrent breast cancer, the “in sickness and in health” vow in her marriage is
broken. Her husband leaves and does not take the three children, and does not
pay the bills.
It
is pointless to try to change someone else. People die every day for a cause or
religion they believe in. Just think suicide bomber.
The only person’s behavior we can change is our own. And when we focus on unconditionally accepting, supporting and loving ourselves all of our relationships benefit.
The only person’s behavior we can change is our own. And when we focus on unconditionally accepting, supporting and loving ourselves all of our relationships benefit.
And
one last thought: while we cannot change someone else, they may make a decision
to change on their own. In Diana we
see the inner workings in an abusive marriage. Diana does not immediately leave
when her marriage is in trouble. Nor does she file for a restraining order or
divorce. Numerous decisions in her life were made in order to
please her parents and then her husband. Who is she in her own right? Until she
finds that part of herself she’s frozen in time unable to stay in a soulless
marriage but unable to move on.
Until
we unconditionally accept, support and love ourselves, our relationships will
never be as rich and fulfilling as they could be. And coming to love and
understand ourselves opens up doorways to other relationships of which we could
only dream.
I’ll
end this post with repeating a truth from the air travel industry. “Put on your
oxygen mask before you help others with theirs.” That is at the core of
unconditionally loving ourselves. “We take care of ourselves first so we have
something to give to others.”
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