Since I write romance, there are people who assume that
when I’m talking about “unconditional love” I’m referring to romantic love. However,
unconditional love is so much more. It encompasses all of our relationships:
family, friends, pets can all be recipients of our unconditional love. And the
opposite is also true—they can be the givers.
I’ve friends who only experience unconditional love from
their pets.
I’ve other friends who, over time, have created
unconditional love in their marriages.
I’ve also other friends who grew up in families where
love was conditional, given only if they met the approval of the adults.
During the years I was a Child Protective Service worker
I listened to many parents explain that the harsh discipline they meted out
“hurt me more than the child” and what they did in no way compared to what was
done to them as a child.
As I listened, I had dual emotions fighting within me.
Looking at the bruised and battered 5 or 15 year old and
accepting the parent’s truth – what they endured was worse?!? A profound
sadness that that person had been treated that way, lived with that horror.
Turning my head so I saw the child, heated anger would course through my body.
How could anyone do that to a child regardless of what it was that child had
done or not done.
Not an easy job but a very rewarding one.
What I always remembered as I did that job and others
where I saw the worst side of folks was “this was the best this person could do
in this situation.” I couldn't begin to imagine living a life where being an abuser was the best I could.
A simple truth is: it may be best for them but that
doesn’t mean it is “best” for the people around them.
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Unconditionally supporting them to make changes came
next. Because first and foremost, the people around them deserved to feel safe,
to live fear-free lives.
Back to that simple truth. We can unconditionally love
someone and yet know that we cannot spend time with them, or not much time with
them, or not alone time with them. Unconditional love does not mean we put
someone aside. It means we accept them as they are, support them as appropriate
and continue to love them.
Another example: I know several families who have a
family member who is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. The family
unconditionally accepts this person understanding that addictions are part
choice and part physiological. They know that using drugs and alcohol is a sign
that person is in “pain” of some kind.
However, they do not support the person’s addiction.
Instead they support that person’s sobriety. They welcome their family member into their home when they are clean and sober. The door is always open to them, their love does not waver. If asked, they will offer advice, suggestions on getting help but they do not nag, criticize, threaten and NEVER withhold their love until their family member is clean and sober.
Instead they support that person’s sobriety. They welcome their family member into their home when they are clean and sober. The door is always open to them, their love does not waver. If asked, they will offer advice, suggestions on getting help but they do not nag, criticize, threaten and NEVER withhold their love until their family member is clean and sober.
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3 comments:
On a philosophical level I agree with everything you said. In most cases in my life I can unconditionally love the person but hate the action, and I can see good in them and hope the actions will not ever happen again.
However, it is much more murky when the actions are so horrendous that you know that person will not be back in the lives of those closest to them because it is unsafe. Then the act of unconditional love is only in my own mind because there is now way to ever demonstrate it to that person.
There are people in my extended family that have done some pretty horrendous things and ended up in prison. Sometimes it was drug addiction related. Other times it was a manifestation of mental illness that is unlikely to change. In both cases, the people are repentant and regret (or even hate) the things they did, but the impact on family members will make it impossible to let that person back in their lives should they get out of prison because it is not safe.
So, in those cases what does my love entail other than remembering them as a child and sending good thoughts for finding a way to live in peace in the future?
I am unsure as to what that love does for the person as we cannot see each other. I am unsure of the connection of light and dark in the realm unconnected to religion. I am unsure if eventually it will result in just forgetting.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments, Maggie. I do believe that we are energetically connected. "The Intention Experiment" by Lynne M. Taggart shares research that showed that prayers sent to/about someone unknown to the person sending the prayers did have a positive affect. So because of that and my own personal experience, I believe if I hold the person in the light of love it helps that person. It doesn't make the past go away and it doesn't make them safe to be around. It does help us because I know negative feelings and hate towards others tears at us and weakens or hurts.
The Dalai Lama teaches about "wise compassion" and it is a concept and practice I'm working to integrate into my life. I do have compassion for people who engage in horrific actions because I do not believe they were born that way. And if I'm wrong and they are born with those thoughts that lead to their action, how horrific a life they must have lived. That's where I can feel compassion for them. I can forgive them because that is more about me than them. But, I do not forget what they are capable of and I do not pretend it couldn't happen again.
As always, a thoughtful and wise response. Thank you for sharing the words and thoughts of Lynn Target and the Dalai Lama. They are good things to remember.
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