Unconditional Love - Romantic Love

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Since I write romance, there are people who assume that when I’m talking about “unconditional love” I’m referring to romantic love. However, unconditional love is so much more. It encompasses all of our relationships: family, friends, pets can all be recipients of our unconditional love. And the opposite is also true—they can be the givers.

I’ve friends who only experience unconditional love from their pets.

I’ve other friends who, over time, have created unconditional love in their marriages.

I’ve also other friends who grew up in families where love was conditional, given only if they met the approval of the adults.

During the years I was a Child Protective Service worker I listened to many parents explain that the harsh discipline they meted out “hurt me more than the child” and what they did in no way compared to what was done to them as a child.

As I listened, I had dual emotions fighting within me.

Looking at the bruised and battered 5 or 15 year old and accepting the parent’s truth – what they endured was worse?!? A profound sadness that that person had been treated that way, lived with that horror. Turning my head so I saw the child, heated anger would course through my body. How could anyone do that to a child regardless of what it was that child had done or not done.

Not an easy job but a very rewarding one.

What I always remembered as I did that job and others where I saw the worst side of folks was “this was the best this person could do in this situation.” I couldn't begin to imagine living a life where being an abuser was the best I could.

A simple truth is: it may be best for them but that doesn’t mean it is “best” for the people around them.

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Unconditionally accepting that this was their “best” allowed me to feel compassion. If this was their “best” how hellish must their lives be!!!

Unconditionally supporting them to make changes came next. Because first and foremost, the people around them deserved to feel safe, to live fear-free lives.

Back to that simple truth. We can unconditionally love someone and yet know that we cannot spend time with them, or not much time with them, or not alone time with them. Unconditional love does not mean we put someone aside. It means we accept them as they are, support them as appropriate and continue to love them.

Another example: I know several families who have a family member who is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. The family unconditionally accepts this person understanding that addictions are part choice and part physiological. They know that using drugs and alcohol is a sign that person is in “pain” of some kind.

However, they do not support the person’s addiction.

Instead they support that person’s sobriety. They welcome their family member into their home when they are clean and sober. The door is always open to them, their love does not waver. If asked, they will offer advice, suggestions on getting help but they do not nag, criticize, threaten and NEVER withhold their love until their family member is clean and sober.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

What is Unconditional Love?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

That's a million dollar question!

One answer I've heard from people talking about their childhoods. "No matter what, I always knew I was loved." Translation? I screwed up and sometimes really screwed up but never did I doubt that I was loved (by the adult figures in my life - could be mom, dad, grandparents, etc.).

When I was raising my son, one of the best pieces of parenting advice I got was to always separate the deed from the doer. What that meant was I was clear in my communication that it was what was done that was the problem. And when it is a deed/task, it can be fixed, repaired or mended.

At one point in my life I was in an abusive marriage. At that time I thought I'd done something wrong and that was why I was being abused. It was also a time when there was no domestic violence and women were considered chattel of their husbands in some parts of the country.

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When I look back on that time period I know it really wasn't about me. It was about him. He lashed out physically because in his world, the man is the boss and the woman was the servant (I didn't do servant very well). And, he didn't want to appear "hen-pecked" so, of course he couldn't do something I asked him to do. It was his "job" or "role" to "teach me" to be a "good wife" so he was just doing what he had to do.

Now at this point in my life I know that it isn't about me at all. Each of us is always doing our best to take care of ourselves.

That doesn't mean that we stay in relationships that are harmful to us. The first person to be unconditionally in love with is ourselves. When we love ourselves, we will not stay with someone who harms us.

Here is an exercise to try on to see how unconditionally in love you are with yourself.

Find a mirror. One where you can see your whole face.
Hold the mirror (or stand in front of it) and look yourself in the eyes.

Keep your gaze fixed on yourself while you say aloud "I love you"

Monitor how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally as you repeat "I love you."

Do you look away? Do you glance up or down? What do you feel in your body?

What does your mind say? "Yes!" "So True!" or is it something negative.

What about your emotions? Some people find they tear up during this exercise, some cry, some feel despair. What do you feel?

Check out Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" for other exercises and affirmations you can do until you say with joy in your voice and heart "I Love You!"

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Forgiveness and Peace in Our World

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

“Unconditional acceptance is a piece of the foundation of unconditional love.”

What would your world, your life be like if you were unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?

I do have people in my life who unconditionally accept, support and love me. (I've included pictures of a few of them). And, like most of us, I have people in my life who do not. 

Gimi, Lois and Connie unconditionally support me

If you aren’t sure if you do or not, think about the people you look forward to seeing, who, when you are with them or think about them, you feel more energy and optimism. These would be the people with whom you have the most positive relationships.

Lois, Diane and Rosemary. Long time supporters

As I already confessed, I do have people in my life who seem to suck the life and energy right out of me. If I don’t dread seeing them, I’m exhausted by the time I get home.

They are people who see the world around them as a dangerous, negative, fearful place. People are not to be trusted. Everyone is out to get them or at the least out to get what they can which leaves less for them.

Authors Diana McCollum and Sarah Raplee

Anger and fear are energy drains on the one hand and energy surges (without the protector) on the other. Anger and fear pull us into a negative spiral and they negatively impact our health. Being in a constant state of fight/flight/stress wears our bodies out.

So where does forgiveness come in?

Here are two axioms I find true for me:

1.      The only person’s behavior I can control is my own. That doesn’t mean I can’t hold a gun to someone’s head or beat them into submission but the consequences of those choices do not appeal to me on many levels. (And the reality is there are people who willingly die rather than submit – think suicide bombers).

Play write and friend Robin Kramme

2.      All behavior is purposeful. That does mean just that. Everything we do has a purpose. There is something we want to have happen or we wouldn’t be doing anything. And even when we say we are doing nothing, there is a purpose behind that.

Forgiveness is about taking care of ourselves.

Forgiveness is about taking responsibility for our own health and well-being.

Forgiveness is about our own healing and moving forward with our lives.

Forgiveness is not about condoning or approving of the action of the other person/people.

Forgiveness is about our understanding they are in a painfully negatively state of mind and rather than take responsibility for, take charge of, and take care of themselves, they lash out and blame others for what is lacking in their own lives.

In each of the Sacred Women Circle stories the heroines come face-to-face with the issues of both trust and forgiveness. They each face a dark time, they each have doubts about themselves and their futures.

However, they each have unconditional acceptance, support and love within their sacred women’s circle. With that support they are able to find forgiveness and trust and unconditional love with their hero. After all, I do write romance so you know every story ends with a “happily-ever-after”.

Your free copy of Book One: Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

The Power of Reflection

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

My journey includes figuring out how to talk to people about my books. The Sacred Women’s Circle series has a strong spiritual element to each of the books and the heat level (sensual, sexual scenes) varies dramatically.

Add to that I was raised with the admonishment that talking about one’s self isn’t attractive, tooting your own horn is vulgar, etc.

Oh, and pricing? That has been a gigantic hurdle to overcome.

But I’ve been working on these cultural barriers.

While at the Desert Dreams Writers’ Conference I figured out how to talk about my books in a different way.

In preparing for the day long “Readers’ Experience” I worked with Paul Iarrobino at True Path Consulting NW. After brainstorming ideas and some time to reflect, I decided on the following question.

What would it be like to be in a place where you were unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?

Take a minute and seriously consider this question.

When I asked this question of readers at the Reader Experience Event, I watched as they went within, their eyes drifted closed, their gaze became unfocused, some even sighed. What did they say?

“I’d be dead.”

“Heaven.”

Or a combination of the two.

Struck by the reality that none of the people said “Oh, I have that XXX,” I initially was shocked.

How different would our lives be if we had that place of safety? That haven where we are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. I will admit it is not in my life 24/7 but I have been places and experienced the profound sense of love and safety that comes from being in a sacred space.

Upon reflection I also realized another truth.

There are sacred women’s circles and there are women’s circles. In both women come together and engage in spiritual practices.

What’s the difference?

In a sacred women’s circle there is unconditional acceptance, unconditional support and unconditional love. And that is the foundation for The Circle, the sacred women’s circle these seven women create.

If you start with Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl and read each book, when you finish the series you’ll have the framework for creating your own sacred women’s circle. You’ll have prayers, ideas for altars, information about the Eight Sabbats or pagan high holy days. You’ll see how having a strong spiritual practice and a sacred women’s circle supports each of these women as they face the real life challenges that are part and parcel of our daily lives.

I’d love to hear your comments about unconditional acceptance, support and love.

Please share where, if any, you have these places in your life. And, equally important, if you don’t, what would your life be like if you did?

Check back next week to learn more about the women in The Circle.

Sign up for Connections, my newsletter, and download a free e-copy of Lily.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Unconditional Love - Long Post

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

You’ve heard the term “Unconditional Love”.

What exactly does that mean?

As we’ve already learned “Unconditional” means without conditions or limits. That’s fairly concrete. We can discuss what a condition or limit is but for the most part we’d more easily come to agreement on that than we would on the word “Love”.

That may sound strange coming from someone who writes romance. But the word “love” has numerous definitions in part because it is used in a variety of contexts. We talk about how much we love foods, colors, clothes, etc. We also talk about ‘love’ when speaking about pets and places. Even when we are referencing people, there is a distinction i.e. l love my family. I love my friends. I love myself. I love you (a particularly significant person such as a spouse or lover). “Love” is one of those words that has gained such popularity that it is important for each of us to understand how we are using it.

Why? Because “Love” is a word that describes an emotional connection to something or someone.

In my work as Senior Faculty for The William Glasser Institute we teach that relationships are at the heart of problems—that if we all got along better (think unconditional acceptance and unconditional support) our world and the world around us would be a more peaceful place. (And Peaceful is not necessarily boring).

We also teach that when we use words like “love” each of us has our own individual picture or perception of what that would look like, what our personal manifestation of that word would be in our own life.

So keep that in mind as you consider Unconditional Love.

When two people say they ‘unconditionally love’ each other that does mean that they accept each other as they are. They do not enter the relationship wanting the other person to change. They want what is best for the other party without dictating what that “best” is.

The hardest part of that last paragraph comes when we see someone we love doing something we just Know will end in pain or disaster or both. Many of us have a strong “fix it” trait and it is hard to step back.

One thing I’ve found that helps me is to remember they are living their own lives, this is their path and there is something they need to learn or experience which is why whatever it is is happening to them at this point in time. Sometimes we have to experience the same situation more than once before we figure things out and sometimes we never to figure it out. When we try to ‘fix it’ for someone else, we take their power away from then and what’s worse, if it doesn’t work out, it is our fault.

Knowing yourself, your boundaries, having the wherewithal and skill to set and hold them without hostility is key to continuing to love someone and yet not approve of everything they choose to do. If you ever hear the words “If you loved me, you would …” come out of your mouth or said to you, you know you do not or are not Unconditionally Loved. This is also true if you just think them about another person.

Again, Dr. Glasser spoke and wrote about healthy boundaries. A core principle in Choice Theory is that our choices do not harm another person. However, you can accept, support and love someone and still say “no”.

Here is an example: You have a family member or friend who has addiction problems. It is not mean to say to that person, “You are always welcome in my home when you are clean and sober.” Sometimes you need to complete the thought with “You are not welcome when you are drunk or stoned.” Of course, if you are spewing angry energy into each word—

From my point of view, one of the most difficult tasks facing us on our life journey is to know ourselves and our needs, to set clear boundaries to protect ourselves and to keep them. Sacrificing ourselves in the name of ‘love’ is not – again from my perspective – loving. Enabling a people to continue to abuse themselves, others or you, is not loving.

Diana Pettybone finally faces the reality of her abusive marriage. And, it only gets worse. The emotional and verbal abuse escalates to physical. Her circle sisters support her in leaving her marriage and protecting her from further abuse. They do not support her when she wavers and considers returning to him. However, they only ask her questions to help her think things through e.g. “Why do you think he’s changed?” “What do you see him doing different?” “Why is it important to you what other people think?”

Each of the heroines in The Sacred Women’s Circle series faces a critical time when they must take the leap toward what they want, leaving behind what they’ve had, the safety of the known for the possible glory of their happily-ever-after. They make that decision knowing that regardless of their choice, they will continue to have the acceptance, support and love of their circle sisters.

If you look at one of the dictionary definitions of love “unselfish, loyal, benevolent concern for others”, supporting someone in abusing themselves or others (including us) is certainly not love.

Some of this is not easy to do. And, having said that, consider this:

What would your life be like if you were Unconditionally Loved and Loved Unconditionally?

Please leave a comment. I do want to know what you think.

Signup for Connections, my newsletter, and download a free e-copy of Lily.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Follow Judith on Twitter:@JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!