Judith is
the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors
spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from
relationship to romance.That's a million dollar question!
One answer I've heard from people talking about their childhoods. "No matter what, I always knew I was loved." Translation? I screwed up and sometimes really screwed up but never did I doubt that I was loved (by the adult figures in my life - could be mom, dad, grandparents, etc.).
When I was raising my son, one of the best pieces of parenting advice I got was to always separate the deed from the doer. What that meant was I was clear in my communication that it was what was done that was the problem. And when it is a deed/task, it can be fixed, repaired or mended.
At one point in my life I was in an abusive marriage. At that time I thought I'd done something wrong and that was why I was being abused. It was also a time when there was no domestic violence and women were considered chattel of their husbands in some parts of the country.
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Now at this point in my life I know that it isn't about me at all. Each of us is always doing our best to take care of ourselves.
That doesn't mean that we stay in relationships that are harmful to us. The first person to be unconditionally in love with is ourselves. When we love ourselves, we will not stay with someone who harms us.
Here is an exercise to try on to see how unconditionally in love you are with yourself.
Find a mirror. One where you can see your whole face.
Hold the mirror (or stand in front of it) and look yourself in the eyes.
Keep your gaze fixed on yourself while you say aloud "I love you"
Monitor how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally as you repeat "I love you."
Do you look away? Do you glance up or down? What do you feel in your body?
What does your mind say? "Yes!" "So True!" or is it something negative.
What about your emotions? Some people find they tear up during this exercise, some cry, some feel despair. What do you feel?
Check out Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" for other exercises and affirmations you can do until you say with joy in your voice and heart "I Love You!"
Your free copy of Lily: The
Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is
waiting for you.
Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital
copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.
2 comments:
Wise words, Judith. If you don't love yourself, you find it hard to love others. If you are searching for perfection in yourself before you can love yourself, then you will also search for perfection in others and always be disappointed.
I am very fortunate in that I DID grow up in a family with unconditional love. I have always felt good about who I was as a person. Of course, there have been times I didn't like myself for something I did that could have been handled better. But I believe I've never consciously hurt someone. However, there was a period of time, from about age 16 to age 25, that I would not have been able to truthfully say I loved myself unconditionally.
During that time I was experiencing a lot of illness and had a hard time regulating and loving my physical self. I felt ugly for a number of reasons--mostly having to do with my perceptions of physical perfection. During that time there was a huge separation between my outside self (how I looked and how fit I was) and the inside self (what I like to call the "true" self). I thought I didn't love myself because of things that were going on with me physically--illness, weight gain, even things like surgical scars, or things the illness had taken from me (like not being able to have children).
I had this idealized picture in my head of what a lovable woman looked like and what she was capable of doing. Of course, the perfect woman always looked like movie stars.And she was a kind of WonderWoman, or what I would call the June Cleaver perfect woman. She was beautiful, wore a dress and pearls while cleaning the house and cooking delicious meals. She had children who appreciated her and only got into minor scraps that anyone could handle, and a husband who adored her and thought she set the moon in the sky :) In other words, nothing like me.
It took me some time to realize that my outside could change for better or worse but I would still be me, the true self, on the inside. It took me a while to realize that what was portrayed on TV or in the movies was an idealized version of womanhood for that era and that 99% of the women in the world didn't meet those standards yet lived a happy life. When I finally realized that was when I learned to love myself unconditionally.
I've heard my mother say it a lot: "It's what is inside that really counts." Believing that was really important to me.
I really appreciate your sharing your thoughts and experiences, Maggie. As a society I believe we need to follow your mother's saying because who we are inside is more important than how we look. I've never been that concerned about my appearance beyond the basics of being clean and neat. I know since I started writing my Sacred Women's Circle series at the turn of the century, I've changed as my own spiritual path deepened with each book.
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