Habits

Last month I posted about relationships and at the end of the post listed four questions.

You can read the original post here

You can read the posts covering the first questions here.

Today I'm following up on last week's post as well as the earlier ones by taking a look at the last two questions and The Ultimate Question's Seven Deadly and Caring Habits.

3. When you look at the disconnect, what are the others attempting to get or accomplish with their behavior?

4. What are you trying to get or accomplish in those relationships where there is a disconnect?

Relationships are tricky things. We have in our mind just how we want our relationships to be and when the other person/people don't show up as "they are supposed to", we have a variety of ways to choose to interact with them. The more important it is to us for the others to behave a certain way, the more likely we are to eventually turn to one or more of the seven deadly habits

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding to control (bribes)

When we engage in one of more of these deadly habits, there is something we want the other person to change. In our quest to have our vision of the relationship dominate, we can ignore what the other person's vision is.

However, when we put the relationship first and work together to craft one we are both satisfied with (yes, there may be compromise involved), we are more likely to be using the seven caring habits.

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

I've yet to experience a disconnect in a relationship where I continually employ the caring habits. Case in point: Over the years I've gained a reputation for being able to work with "difficult clients". 

What do I do?

I employ the seven caring habits which also support a safe environment which is often a new experience for "difficult clients" who've been consistently coerced to change.

Want to learn more?
Check out my Glasser Concepts Training website at http://glasserconceptstraining.com or visit The William Glasser Institute website here

To learn more about my writing life here

Always remember: Your Choices Today Determine Your Tomorrow

The Ultimate Question

When engaging with others, asking ourselves “The Ultimate Question” often creates an environment

Judith Ashley

that supports positive interactions and relationships. What is that question?

“If I say or do (fill in the blank) will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?”

Connected with “The Ultimate Question” is the idea of “Caring” and “Destructive” Habits which I’ll share in more detail next Monday.

If your relationships are going well (and the other person/people think that also), then most likely you are already using the “caring habits”.

When relationships hit bumpy areas, most likely one or both of you are using the “deadly habits in an effort to “Make” the other person change or agree with you.

In Choice Theory and Reality Therapy terms we say that is “External Control Psychology.” Around the world the prevalent thought is that we can control others when in actuality that is a myth of gigantic proportions.

As I write this post, someone is dying for principles that are more important than living. And, as I write this post, someone is making the choice to change in order to remain alive.

We all make choices based on our internal sense of what is important to us, what we believe in, what someone we love or respects wants us to do. So, it may feel like we are doing something we don’t really want to do but the truth is, we’d rather do it than experience the result of not doing it.

I've certainly done my share of household chores, school assignments and even work-related tasks over the years. Have I wanted to do all of them? No.

But I did.

Why?

Household chores: grounding, deductions from my allowance, arguing with my parents and still being expected to do the chore were incentives for Me to decide to do them – not necessarily with a smile on my face and joy in my heart but my parents did not expect that. More than once I had part of my allowance deducted and I was grounded because I would rather have that consequence than do the chore.

School assignments: Many, many boring chapters read, endless papers written, inane or maybe insane projects completed over sixteen plus years because I wanted to graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a salary increase by completing additional educational coursework. And, being who I am, it wasn't acceptable to me to have poor grades. (My parents’ message was “as long as you do your best”).

Work-related tasks: paycheck! When things were truly not something I wanted to do, I reminded myself I had a job and most of the people I worked with did not and because I had the job, I was getting paid to write the report, to check on the person, to spend time in a filthy hoarder house, etc.

Between now and next week monitor your internal process when you do something you tell yourself you don’t want to do. 

Why are you doing it? 

What would the consequence be if you didn't?

Next week I’ll share Dr. Glasser’s  Seven Deadly and Seven Caring Habits.

Remember: Your Choices Today Determine Your Tomorrow 

Check out my writing life at http://judithashleyromance.com

Check out my Glasser Concepts trainings and workshops at http://GlasserConceptsTraining.com

Love Is More Than a Feeling - 2

My February 4th post :Love Is More Than A Feeling" ended with four questions. This month we'll explore those questions and answers using Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory and Reality Therapy as the foundation for possible answers.

Judith and Friends

Why these four questions? Because if we step back and honestly answer them, we can see our relationships with others differently. Even after over forty years of knowing of Dr. Glasser and over thirty-six years of involvement with The William Glasser Institute, I use these questions when I want to figure out what is happening in my relationships, especially if something doesn't seem to be going "right".

Sometimes it's a challenge to answer these four questions honestly much less have a conversation with the other person about what your perception is of what's going on.

1. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are the words and actions of the people you love towards you?

If there is a high degree of congruence, you are most likely very happy in this relationship. However, in general the more in-congruence, the increase is in unhappiness.

Rule of Thumb: if you like what's going on, keep doing what you're doing.

Problems occur when there is more in-congruence than we want. For example: you are a new parent and getting ready to go out for the evening. Your baby spits up on your shirt/blouse as you lean over to kiss her goodbye. Being covered in baby puke is seldom seen as a positive. However, most adults do not believe some action needs to be taken (other than changing clothes).

Another example: in your family the roles of husband and wife were clearly delineated. You and your new spouse talked about wanting more of a partnership, a sharing of household tasks. Months into your new arraignment, you realize you are the only one taking the garbage out. The next time the garbage needs to go out you say "It's your turn." If you're succinct that's all you say. If you want to make a point, you remind your spouse that since you moved into this place, they have never taken the garbage out.

Yes, even something this small and insignificant in the relative scheme of things can create bigger problems. If in your family, you saw that taking the garbage out was a sign of caring for the other spouse, you may not even realize that was your perception until you are the only one taking it out.

Baby spitting up? That's what babies do.

Do we like it? Not particularly but that's what babies do.

Leaving me to take the garbage out? That's a sign I'm disrespected or maybe not loved as much or ?

2. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and l low/bad, how congruent are Your Words and Actions towards the people in your life you love?

In general we find it easier to look at someone else's behavior than our own. To create a high level of connectedness which can also be seen as unconditional love or unconditional acceptance, we must look at our part in the relationship.

How I communicate my perception of the whole "who takes the garbage out" situation matters. Even the succinct "It's your turn" if said in a negative tone (critical, sarcastic, nagging, etc.) creates repercussions we may not want. If we add the history of who has and hasn't taken the garbage out, we are upping the ante and increasing the odds of distance between ourselves and our spouses.

Here we are, six months into the marriage, we are the only ones who are taking the garbage out and we thought we had an agreement of sharing household tasks. It doesn't feel like we are doing any sharing of this one.

A. Why is it important that your spouse also take out the garbage? What is "the other" meaning of that task to you? (See above for one example).

B. How and when do you bring the topic up if, after you've answered "A", you still this task handled differently? (Hint: neutral is best. One tactic that backfires in the long, if not the short run, is to bargain for control. "I'll fix your favorite dessert if you will..." 

C. In any relationship, establishing boundaries in communication is important. Basics are no threats, swearing, name-calling, etc.

After dinner while you are both clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen?

During a commercial in a television movie or sporting event?

While getting ready for bed? or getting ready in the morning?

What do you say to start the conversation?

Sweetie, do you realize you never take the garbage out?

Remember before we got married we talked about sharing household tasks? How do you think that's going?

The other day I realized a holdover from my family I'd like to share with you. My dad always took the garbage out and my mom always thanked him and gave him a hug and a kiss when he came back in. Or maybe In my family we always knew we were in trouble when we had to take the garbage out.

The purpose of this post is not to tell you what to do or even how to do it but to present some ideas that will provide a framework for you to think about the level of connectedness or disconnectedness in your relationships. 

The conversation continues next Monday. If you have questions, please ask. If you have examples of how you bring up for discussion sensitive or difficult subjects, please share.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s conceptswww.glasserconceptstraining.com or check out TheWilliam Glasser Institute for more information on training and educational opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Are We Having Fun Yet?

By Judith Ashley

During February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Four Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking about Fun. Dr. Glasser said this Basic Need was the last to evolve as we developed. First we banded together (love and belonging) because that increased our rate of survival. Second those who honed specific skills such as tracking, weapon making, reading the signs of the weather, etc. to the point of mastery were accorded special standing in the group. Third the ability to follow a herd, to move and forage for food was essential to survival.

In my short story “Is He The One?” included in Windtree Press' Gifts From The Heart, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She knows herself pretty well. Laughing and feelings of joy and happiness are important to her. She enjoys teaching high school, seeing students’ master skills, inspiring students to achieve and even excel. Laughing, a sense of lightness, of joy is important to her in her relationships. Does she have that with him?

Dr. Glasser points out that when we are young we have fun learning. The look on babies faces when they take their first steps or the wonder in a child’s eyes when they print a letter or can recognize their names is part of the joy (fun) of learning. Children also “play” house, school, store—a whole host of “games” where they practice the skills used in those professions. So having fun first became a basic need because of our need to learn the skills for survival.

My two longest friends love to shop. I’d rather clean house than shop and I’m not at all fond of that activity. Neither of them are into sports at all. However, I enjoy watching college football (Oregon Ducks) and enjoy track and field (probably because I was able to watch Steve Prefontane and other world-class racers run under the four minute mile when that was an amazing feat) and I dated a discus thrower for a short period of time. I like to watch the Little League World Series and the College World Series but I’m not big into professional sports.

I find it inspiring to watch people who are focused on being the best they can be. I’m encouraged when watching the coaches at the Little League World Series level teach sportsmanship because I’m disheartened to see it losing ground in college and professional sports.

Personally, fun is walking through my neighborhood, reading a favorite author and sampling the work of a new-to-me writer, spending time with close friends and talking about so many different topics my brain is active. My other “happy place” is at my computer. As an author, watching the story unfold on the computer screen is a joyful experience.

It’s question time!

1. When was the last time you laughed? Not smiled or chuckled or giggled, but laughed from deep inside you – maybe tears streamed down your face you were laughing so hard?

2. What ideas, memories bring a smile to your face? Why? Are those things you can still do? Or can you modify or build off them? Would they be as satisfying to you now as they were then? Why or why not?

3. Who do you have fun with? And if the answer is ‘no one’, if you shared what you do for fun, would doing it with other enhance the joy?

4. How often do you have fun? Do you save it up for weekends or vacation? Are you someone who looks for joy and happiness in the mundane activities of everyday life? Are you someone who needs an adrenaline rush to have fun? (Think Xtreme Sports for example).

Next week starts a new month. I’ll have taken a couple of classes from the awesome Maggie Lynch. I expect to have a lot of fun learning how to use Mail Chimp to create a newsletter! I’ll be back to share that experience with you.

I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual

practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules trainings leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts here or check out The William Glasser Institute to learn about more educational and training opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Freedom: What Does It Mean To You?

By Judith Ashley

During February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking about Freedom. Dr. Glasser said this Basic Need is often in conflict with the Basic Need of Love and Belonging because they can be seen as the antithesis of each other.

What does it mean to you to be free? Do you couch your response in terms of choices or movement? Do you have another frame of reference you use to describe your definition of this word?

In my short story “Is He The One?” included in Windtree Press's "Gifts From the Heart" available through Windtree Press and major e-retailers, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She readily acknowledges they love each other but is that enough? Will she miss the independence she has now? Will he change and want to be ‘the boss’ in their marriage? Bottom line: How important is “Freedom” to her and will she be able to meet that need if married to Jonathan.

Dr. Glasser often used examples of freedom to choose when he talked about this basic need. Because he taught we ‘choose’ our behavior, it really does cover more than what we choose to wear or eat for breakfast.

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine today. The words “freedom” or “free” came up frequently as we talked over almost four hours! We've both had life experiences in the last few years that totally changed how we thought our lives would be. While traumatic at the time, we've both come to see those events as “freeing”. Jolted from the complacency of what our lives would be like, we've searched and at times scrambled to figure out how we wanted to move forward with our lives.

We all have ideals and beliefs that frame our lives. A death, divorce, loss of job or a natural disaster like an earthquake, hurricane or tornado can have devastating effects on our lives. These same events can also “free” us in that we have an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, find new relationships that are a better fit for us, experiment with a new life direction.

If you see “freedom” as meaning you get to do what you want, when you want, as you want without taking other people into consideration, that may bring you in conflict with people in your life who see their lives more through the love and belonging or power lens.

The challenge in understanding Dr. Glasser’s Basic Needs is to find balance between them. I may have a high power need (see my life and relationships from that position) but what about my relationships. How do I balance my desire for control of myself and at times of others with my desire to have close loving relationships with my spouse, children, friends?

Its question time!

1. What words come to mind when you think of the word “freedom”?

2. How easy is it for you to take “orders” or “direction” from others? What are the exceptions, if any?

3. In a workplace or a family, what can you do to ensure your own and other people’s need for freedom is respected and protected?

4. Can there be too much freedom?

Next week I’ll explore the Psychological Basic Need of “Fun”. I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts here or Check out The William Glasser Institute for more training and educational opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Who Has The Power?

By Judith Ashley

During February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Four Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking about Power. Dr. Glasser said this Basic Need is the most difficult to understand because we live in an “external control” society and we teach and support the myth that other people can control us.

There’s a commercial airing on television these days where the actor is striding through the airport, grabbing someone else’s coffee, etc. He is on his way to get his rental car. Why do I mention this commercial?

The actor’s lines go something like this “some people think I’m a control freak, I think of myself as a control enthusiast”. When I first saw this commercial I laughed. As I've seen it again and again and think of it through the “Power” lens of the psychological needs, I no longer laugh. The actor bypasses people because he doesn't want to engage with them and at the end, posed beside a car, he contemplates what being a ‘control enthusiast’ is and comes up with “sexy”.

If you've ever been at the mercy of someone who will do just about (or maybe anything) to gain the upper hand, to win, to be first, to “make you” bend to them, I doubt you see being a control enthusiast as ‘sexy’.

Unless—

Unless you are exerting internal control, using your personal power to enhance your life, making yourself into the person you want to be.

In my short story “Is He The One?” included in "Gifts of the Heart through Windtree Press, my website and major e-retailers, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She readily acknowledges they love each other and they both want to do their best as high school teachers. Will Jonathan want to control her? Will he disregard her opinions? Since they both have their own apartments, how will they sort things out when living together and seeing the other person do something at best ‘differently’ and at worse ‘wrong’?

Bill said more than once that all the problems we have in the world are because of people working to

gain control over others. In my personal and professional life, I see almost all, if not all misery stemming from other people exerting control/punishment/coercion over others. Early in my child welfare career, I had a supervisor who planted tape recorders in the area where our desks were to try and catch us doing something wrong. Fortunately, he wasn't my supervisor for long! The person who replaced him would come and sit with us and ask us what we needed from her to be able to do our work, to be the best child welfare worker we could be.

One could say both were control enthusiast. I know which one I wanted to work for!

Of course the world would be a better place if everyone believed, thought and acted as I do! That is a core understanding those of us who've studied and worked with Glasser have. I can assure you that isn't going to happen.

So, how can you move forward and shift from external control/power to incorporate the concept of internal or personal power?

It’s question time!

1. What is happening when you try to “make” someone do what you want or how you want a task to be done?

2. What would need to be different for you to engage the other person/people in a cooperative effort to complete the task?

3. Can young children understand these concepts? Spoiler alert: Yes! My youngest granddaughter could explain pointing to a graphic Dr. Glasser developed to show his concepts, what was going on when she was upset. I will add that understanding is not accepting!

4. What would be different if you eliminated all punishment, coercion, criticizing, blaming, complaining, threatening or rewarding for control (bribing) from your relationships at work and at home?

Next week I’ll explore the Psychological Basic Need of “Freedom”. I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts here or check out The William Glasser Institute to learn about more educational and training opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Love Is More Than A Feeling!

By Judith Ashley

During February I’m blogging every Monday on one of Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs. Today I’m talking about Love and Belonging. Dr. Glasser said this Basic Need is the most important because there is an element of connections/relationship needed to best satisfy the other three psychological needs.

Yes, love is more than a feeling to me. We tell others “I love you”. We hear “I love you, too” said back. At times someone may say “I love you” first and we repeat back that we love that person “too”.

I write romance a blessing, a gift, a way to balance my life because for almost fifty years I worked as

a private guardian and geriatric care manager and/or in child welfare and/or in an emergency after hours capacity for vulnerable adults. My professional life has shown me all too clearly that there can be a gigantic disconnect between the words “I love you” and the actions we’d expect from someone who truly does love us. I am consciously choosing not to site numerous examples but I do invite you to think about where you may have experienced or born witness to that disconnect.

In my short story “Is He The One?” available through major outlets, my website and Windtree Press, my heroine, Sophia Denton uses Dr. William Glasser’s Psychological Basic Needs to sort through her feelings and find the answer to Jonathan’s proposal. She readily acknowledges they love each other (the feeling).

Her question is: Is that enough? While she, herself has not been abused, she is aware of the issue of domestic violence and child abuse. Committed to doing her very best not to get caught in that “but I love him” trap, she decides to delve deeper into the conundrum of love, to determine for herself if there is a disconnect between how she and Jonathan ‘feel’ about each other and how they treat each other.

Bill Glasser talked and wrote about the importance of loving relationships in our lives. He also talked and wrote about the reality that the only person whose behavior we have control over is our own.

It is a myth to think that we really can “make” someone do something. There are people every day who literally die for their beliefs and that has been true throughout history. It is at times convenient to say “I couldn't help it” or “S/he made me”. When I hear those words, I know that isn't actually true. 

The truth is more along the line of “I didn't know how to say “no” because s/he is bigger than I am (or has more power as in could fire me, etc.) or it is easier to go along than to stand up for my beliefs or s/he might not like me anymore (in some circumstances we call that peer pressure).

It’s question time!

1. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are the words and actions of the people you love towards you?

2. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and l being low/bad, how congruent are Your Words and Actions towards the people in your life you love?

3. When you look at the disconnect, what are the others attempting to get or accomplish with their behavior?

4. What are you trying to get or accomplish in those relationships where there is a disconnect?

Next week I’ll explore the Psychological Basic Need of “Power”. I hope you’ll join me. And, please ask questions! I’ll do my best to expand on Dr. Glasser’s concepts in my answers.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s concepts www.glasserconceptstraining.com or check out TheWilliam Glasser Institute for more information on training and educational opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com