Use Men As An Example?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

I attended an event in September that had some Very Slow time and me, being me, I got out my pen and paper and made notes about topics for my October, November and December blog posts. So here I am writing the last post for November. My note?

Use men as example. OMG, what did I mean when I wrote down those four words? At first I thought I just wasn’t reading it correctly. After all, it was at the end of the page and written over something printed.

Then I realized my note to myself wasn’t just about men. It was about wanting to change our partners, make them different, mold them into something better.

Again, my work with Dr. William Glasser comes in handy. A concept we work with: The Only Person We Can Control Is Ourself.

Some people argue that isn’t true but if we look at the concept, really look at options, we know it is true. If we are controlled by others, we would always do what they say. There are instances where, when a gun was put to their head, some took the bullet rather than comply with the request.

Most relationships end because one person was unable to change the other person. When the bloom is off the romance, when the bills come in, when life is hard, when the children are sick and the roof leaks—the relationship is stressed and that’s when we more clearly see the “flaws” in each other.

The reality he never cooks doesn’t matter until the day you and two kids huddle in bed. You each have your own bucket to puke in because the toilet is too far away. “Where’s dinner?” he asks coming in the door. Your stomach roils at the thought of food, both kids are down to dry heaves. “What am I going to eat?”

She loves to shop and you love to see her in a great new outfit but then the company downsizes and you are out of a job. Oh, but we have savings, she says. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll get another job --- and there was this great 50% off sale. I saved us $150.00!!!

These may seem like extreme scenarios but I lived one of them and it wasn’t about shopping.

In Ashley when she’s diagnosed with recurrent breast cancer, the “in sickness and in health” vow in her marriage is broken. Her husband leaves and does not take the three children, and does not pay the bills.

It is pointless to try to change someone else. People die every day for a cause or religion they believe in. Just think suicide bomber.

The only person’s behavior we can change is our own. And when we focus on unconditionally accepting, supporting and loving ourselves all of our relationships benefit.

And one last thought: while we cannot change someone else, they may make a decision to change on their own. In Diana we see the inner workings in an abusive marriage. Diana does not immediately leave when her marriage is in trouble. Nor does she file for a restraining order or divorce. Numerous decisions in her life were made in order to please her parents and then her husband. Who is she in her own right? Until she finds that part of herself she’s frozen in time unable to stay in a soulless marriage but unable to move on.

Until we unconditionally accept, support and love ourselves, our relationships will never be as rich and fulfilling as they could be. And coming to love and understand ourselves opens up doorways to other relationships of which we could only dream.

I’ll end this post with repeating a truth from the air travel industry. “Put on your oxygen mask before you help others with theirs.” That is at the core of unconditionally loving ourselves. “We take care of ourselves first so we have something to give to others.”

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What else can I call Frustration?

Welcome! I'm Judith Ashley author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

In my belief system, the feeling of frustration is a negative and therefore, does not help me maintain a positive outlook on life or keep me energized in a good way.

While I've completed 75 - 80% of what I wanted to do today, I find myself stymied by my old nemesis---technology.

Yes, indie-publishing has many learning curves and while I have learned them, I have three novels and an anthology out there, the challenge is I haven't used these new skills since last March! So they are pretty much lost.

This afternoon (I'm writing this Sunday for Monday readers), it took me about ten minutes to figure out how to get into Amazon's Createspace publishing program! I kept ending up on Amazon with all the "buy this" and "buy that" - not where I wanted to be at all.

I e-published Ashley, the fourth story in The Sacred Women's Circle series, on December 24, 2014 and I'm now ready to put the print book out there BUT

Recounting the barriers here is not helpful so suffice it to say, I'm taking a step back. Hard boiling some eggs (a great snack/meal if I'm in a hurry or just too busy to fix anything), and calling it a day.

One thing I've learned is that the closer together I publish my stories, the easier this process will be. Why? Because I'll still remember how to do it. After ten months, it's almost like learning it from the beginning - not quite, but close. Can't believe it took me so long to figure out how to get into kdp.amazon.com  

Also I've had re-enforced there are times when postponing things to another time works better for me than plowing through.

I'm always looking for new ideas on how to keep on the positive track.

Would love to know what you do when frustration looms? Do you push through? Do you step back?

You can learn more about The Sacred Women's Circle series here.

What Am I Working On?

Today I’m participating in a blog hop. My first time ever! A bit of history:

MaggieLynch, founder of Windtree Press author cooperative, started this blog hop.

PatyJager, one of the first author’s to participate in Windtree Press, was next.

ChristyCarlyle, who writes Victorian historical romance and designs fantastic covers as Gilded Heart Design, was the third Windtree Press author to hop on.

I’m the fourth. It is possible this particular blog hop ends with four stops because I’ve not found another author to pick up October 1. If that changes, I’ll add her/his link to this post.

A blog hop is a way for readers to learn about other authors and perhaps become interested enough that they begin to read their books which is one of the main reasons writers write them.

So let’s begin:

What am I working on? I am diligently working on Ashley Book Four in The Sacred Women’s Circle series because I have a deadline – it’s due to my editor, October 26. The Sacred Women’s Circle series will be comprised of seven full length novels. Since each novel is specific to a member of The Circle, they vary from contemporary romantic women’s fiction to contemporary romance.

How does my work differ from others of its genre? There are many contemporary romances as well as lots of romantic women’s fiction. Mine differ in that they have a mystical spiritual element that is integral to the story.

Why do I write these stories? In some ways I have no choice. In 2001 and 2002, I had vivid day dreams and lucid night dreams about these seven women and their challenges. As I finish and publish one book, the next heroine invades my dreams. I’m curious as to what will happen when the stories are finished. What makes this so compelling for me is that I seldom remember any dreams and would swear I don’t dream except science says I do.

What is my writing process? I write the first draft – as straight through as I can. I learned how important that is to my writing process with Lily. that book took years!

Book two and three (Elizabeth and Diana) I started during National Novel Writing Month. I finished the first draft of Elizabeth in 51 days (over 112K words). Diana took a little longer because there were a couple of weeks around the holidays when I didn’t write at all. I finished that first draft mid-January.

Ashley is a bit different. I finished the first draft August 1, 2014 but I started the first draft in October, 2013. About half-way through, I paused to complete two short stories for the Love and Magick: Mystical Stories of Romance Anthology with Sarah Raplee and DianaMcCollum and published Lily, Elizabeth and Diana in e-books and print. Health problems and a granddaughter’s graduation from high school also impacted writing time.

Right now I’m editing and revising and am about half-way through the manuscript. Next is sending it to my editor to read. That is a different process – usually I have a Beta reader who is a whiz with grammar and punctuation read it and I make revisions based on her feedback before it goes to the editor but there is no time. I’ve a spot in my editor’s schedule and if I want this book published before the end of the year; this is what needs to happen.

So now you know the truth. Life happens and I scramble around, get my bearings and sit back down and keep writing. That is the only way these stories will be published and I’ll be back to my dreamless sleep.

PS: Do you think my being #4 on this blog hop and my working on Book 4 has any special meaning? Really, if this blog hop ends with me? A bit of mystical magick working?

PPS: You can follow another great blog by clicking “here”

For free short stories click “here”

To read more about The Sacred Women’s Circle check out my website and my author’s page at Windtree Press.

© Copy right by Judith Ashley 2014