Protective and Supportive Behaviors

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Now that you are on your own journey to Unconditional Acceptance of yourself, you may find that you are more accepting of others.

You see that they are taking care of themselves in a manner that does not “serve” you, does not support you. But you ‘accept’ that on some level it supports them.

When I’m teaching for The William Glasser Institute I talk about ‘protective behaviors’ and ‘supportive behaviors’. We often see protective behaviors are negative.

A simple example from my 7^th grade teaching days.

“Acting out behavior in the classroom” as in a 15 year old boy in 7^th grade being disruptive. What I know is that those three older boys who were in my 7^th grade reading class couldn’t read 7^th grade level books which is what I had to teach from.

Not my classroom or I would have had more problems

They came from a community where it was common to drop out of school at 16 when it was no longer ‘compulsory education’ and work in the mills or woods. These boys most likely read at a 2^nd or maybe even a 3^rd or 4^th grade level. As a ‘secondary teacher’ I never was taught how to ‘teach reading’. Only elementary teachers had that as part of their curriculum.

When they were disruptive, the other students didn’t see how poor their reading skills were. If they really were out-of-line, I could have them sit in the hall or even send them to the principal’s office. Again, the other students wouldn’t see that they couldn’t read the books we were studying.

During those times when I read to the class and we discussed the story, they were not behavior problems and they did participate---at least to some extent.

So disruptive behaviors “protected” them in some way. Perhaps from embarrassment. Perhaps from possible ridicule. Perhaps for a reason known only to them at that time.

Take a moment to think about yourself. Where do you use ‘protective’ behaviors?

And what is an example of a ‘supportive’ behavior? Something that ‘supports’ you in reaching your goals, something that when you are engaged in it, you feel better about yourself and your world.

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Glasser Wisdom: Judgement: Can We Live Without It?

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the back wards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

Judgement or if you prefer, evaluation, assessment, discernment, comparison (actually there are even more names we use instead of ‘judgement’). For the sake of this post, I’m using the term ‘judgement’ to include any word that describes how we make decisions/choices.

If you read my “All Behavior Is Purposeful” post, you know that Dr. Glasser teaches that all we can do is behave and that all behavior is purposeful and it is our best effort at the time to achieve something we want.

How does ‘judgement’ fit in to this?

Everything we do is based on ‘judgement’. Here's a simple example.

Three friends are out exploring their city on a warm summer afternoon. They decide to stop at an outdoor café for something cold to drink.

First judgement: it’s warm

Second judgement: outdoor café

Third judgement: something cold to drink

They haven’t even seen the menu or ordered.

After seeing the menu they order lemonade.

Fourth judgement(s): checking out the menu, deciding on lemonade

Server brings three identical glasses of lemonade. The friends clink their glasses together in a toast to a fun day together and take a sip.

“This is great lemonade,” one friend says licking her lips.

“Oh no, it’s not sweet enough,” another friend says, her mouth puckering.

“You’re both wrong,” says the third friend setting down her glass and pushing it away. “It’s too sweet.”

This simple example translates to millions of judgements we make every day.

Your mission, if you choose to take it, is twofold. 

One: Pay attention to the myriad of decisions/judgements you make every day.

Two: Ask yourself: How can I live my life without judgement? No food is too hot, cold, sweet, spicy. No bed too soft, hard, etc. No commute too long. And then come back next Monday and we'll proceed with the good and bad in judgement.

Also, I strongly encourage you to click here and read “All Behavior Is Purposeful”. You may see your judgements in a whole new light.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

The Four Layers of Politeness

By Judith Ashley

Do you ever have nights when you just can't slip over the edge into sleep?

Last night was one of those nights for me.

Finally, around 2 a.m. I got up and jotted down some notes - those pesky thoughts that just wouldn't go away for one: ideas for other blog posts, thoughts about something I read in a blog post  Melania Tolan put up on Google and a comment Michelle Knight made (she was one of the three young Cleveland, OH women held captive and tortured by Ariel Castro.

How does that all fit in with my current theme of exploring Dr. William Glasser's concepts?

One of the fundamental premises is All behavior is purposeful. 

Does that mean if I bump into someone at the grocery store I did that on purpose. Most likely not. But we all engage in behaviors that have consequences we don't plan for.

When Mr. Castro kidnapped the young women, held them captive and tortured them he did know what he was doing in that moment. Perhaps he was "sick" but he did know what he was doing. He did know he was inflicting pain, inflicting harm. After the fact he being sick doesn't mean he didn't know what he was doing. In reports I've read, he said he was sick and wanted someone to stop him. He even may have regretted it but not enough to release them, to stop, to get help for himself or any number of things he could have done.

Judith Ashley

I sometimes wonder what went wrong before the young women got into his car. Did they really not have any uneasy feelings or a sense that something was wrong?

Not that I'm an expert but my 40+ years in social services certainly has exposed me to predators and victims. My thoughts are not all that original in some ways but they are what I jotted down in the middle of the night.

The Four Layers of Politeness:

1. Women of a certain age were raised with similar messages. They were told to be nice to everyone, to excuse other people's intrusive behavior, to look at what they'd done if someone was abusive to them. Hearing that from early childhood "good girls don't shout, hit, kick, scream, yell, fight - well you get the picture". Women, in particular raised in this way, often don't even see a problem or feel uncomfortable.

2. Women of a certain age and those a little younger feel uncomfortable, maybe even see a problem but they excuse the perpetrator's behavior away. "He didn't know any better." "She's only a child."

3. Women, usually a little younger, feel uncomfortable and see a problem but choose not to act. What if they are wrong? What if they embarrass the other person? What if doing something makes it worse?

4. Women and now girls, in my opinion, often recognize the problem. Taking action is more prevalent today than ever before. How to handle difficult social situations, like on a date, is taught in some schools. Girls are encouraged to have and use their voices.

An example: I'm one of those "women of a certain age." When I was in elementary school and a boy grabbed a girls breast or purse to pull her Kotex out and run down the hall with it, girls were told "boys will be boys" and other than maybe a "you shouldn't do that", nothing happened to the boy. Today, a boy who did anything like that would be at least suspended from school.

Read about Ted Bundy and see how these Layers of Politeness worked for him.

Segueing back to Dr. Glasser - all behavior is purposeful. What do you want when you make the choice to act or not act; to perhaps appear foolish or embarrassed or if your inner warning signal is right on, live another day?

It's fairly easy to determine what our purpose is when we are kind and caring towards each other but what about when we aren't? All behavior is purposeful so when we snap at someone, cut someone off in traffic, say something mean or threatening - what is it we want in that moment.

Which Layer of Politeness were you raised with?
How have you overcome it or have you?

The women in The Sacred Women's Circle series were all raised with one of the Four Layers of Politeness being dominate. When you read their stories, see if you can figure out what those early childhood messages were. Let me know what you think.