Protective and Supportive Behaviors

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Now that you are on your own journey to Unconditional Acceptance of yourself, you may find that you are more accepting of others.

You see that they are taking care of themselves in a manner that does not “serve” you, does not support you. But you ‘accept’ that on some level it supports them.

When I’m teaching for The William Glasser Institute I talk about ‘protective behaviors’ and ‘supportive behaviors’. We often see protective behaviors are negative.

A simple example from my 7^th grade teaching days.

“Acting out behavior in the classroom” as in a 15 year old boy in 7^th grade being disruptive. What I know is that those three older boys who were in my 7^th grade reading class couldn’t read 7^th grade level books which is what I had to teach from.

Not my classroom or I would have had more problems

They came from a community where it was common to drop out of school at 16 when it was no longer ‘compulsory education’ and work in the mills or woods. These boys most likely read at a 2^nd or maybe even a 3^rd or 4^th grade level. As a ‘secondary teacher’ I never was taught how to ‘teach reading’. Only elementary teachers had that as part of their curriculum.

When they were disruptive, the other students didn’t see how poor their reading skills were. If they really were out-of-line, I could have them sit in the hall or even send them to the principal’s office. Again, the other students wouldn’t see that they couldn’t read the books we were studying.

During those times when I read to the class and we discussed the story, they were not behavior problems and they did participate---at least to some extent.

So disruptive behaviors “protected” them in some way. Perhaps from embarrassment. Perhaps from possible ridicule. Perhaps for a reason known only to them at that time.

Take a moment to think about yourself. Where do you use ‘protective’ behaviors?

And what is an example of a ‘supportive’ behavior? Something that ‘supports’ you in reaching your goals, something that when you are engaged in it, you feel better about yourself and your world.

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Unconditional Love - Long Post

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

You’ve heard the term “Unconditional Love”.

What exactly does that mean?

As we’ve already learned “Unconditional” means without conditions or limits. That’s fairly concrete. We can discuss what a condition or limit is but for the most part we’d more easily come to agreement on that than we would on the word “Love”.

That may sound strange coming from someone who writes romance. But the word “love” has numerous definitions in part because it is used in a variety of contexts. We talk about how much we love foods, colors, clothes, etc. We also talk about ‘love’ when speaking about pets and places. Even when we are referencing people, there is a distinction i.e. l love my family. I love my friends. I love myself. I love you (a particularly significant person such as a spouse or lover). “Love” is one of those words that has gained such popularity that it is important for each of us to understand how we are using it.

Why? Because “Love” is a word that describes an emotional connection to something or someone.

In my work as Senior Faculty for The William Glasser Institute we teach that relationships are at the heart of problems—that if we all got along better (think unconditional acceptance and unconditional support) our world and the world around us would be a more peaceful place. (And Peaceful is not necessarily boring).

We also teach that when we use words like “love” each of us has our own individual picture or perception of what that would look like, what our personal manifestation of that word would be in our own life.

So keep that in mind as you consider Unconditional Love.

When two people say they ‘unconditionally love’ each other that does mean that they accept each other as they are. They do not enter the relationship wanting the other person to change. They want what is best for the other party without dictating what that “best” is.

The hardest part of that last paragraph comes when we see someone we love doing something we just Know will end in pain or disaster or both. Many of us have a strong “fix it” trait and it is hard to step back.

One thing I’ve found that helps me is to remember they are living their own lives, this is their path and there is something they need to learn or experience which is why whatever it is is happening to them at this point in time. Sometimes we have to experience the same situation more than once before we figure things out and sometimes we never to figure it out. When we try to ‘fix it’ for someone else, we take their power away from then and what’s worse, if it doesn’t work out, it is our fault.

Knowing yourself, your boundaries, having the wherewithal and skill to set and hold them without hostility is key to continuing to love someone and yet not approve of everything they choose to do. If you ever hear the words “If you loved me, you would …” come out of your mouth or said to you, you know you do not or are not Unconditionally Loved. This is also true if you just think them about another person.

Again, Dr. Glasser spoke and wrote about healthy boundaries. A core principle in Choice Theory is that our choices do not harm another person. However, you can accept, support and love someone and still say “no”.

Here is an example: You have a family member or friend who has addiction problems. It is not mean to say to that person, “You are always welcome in my home when you are clean and sober.” Sometimes you need to complete the thought with “You are not welcome when you are drunk or stoned.” Of course, if you are spewing angry energy into each word—

From my point of view, one of the most difficult tasks facing us on our life journey is to know ourselves and our needs, to set clear boundaries to protect ourselves and to keep them. Sacrificing ourselves in the name of ‘love’ is not – again from my perspective – loving. Enabling a people to continue to abuse themselves, others or you, is not loving.

Diana Pettybone finally faces the reality of her abusive marriage. And, it only gets worse. The emotional and verbal abuse escalates to physical. Her circle sisters support her in leaving her marriage and protecting her from further abuse. They do not support her when she wavers and considers returning to him. However, they only ask her questions to help her think things through e.g. “Why do you think he’s changed?” “What do you see him doing different?” “Why is it important to you what other people think?”

Each of the heroines in The Sacred Women’s Circle series faces a critical time when they must take the leap toward what they want, leaving behind what they’ve had, the safety of the known for the possible glory of their happily-ever-after. They make that decision knowing that regardless of their choice, they will continue to have the acceptance, support and love of their circle sisters.

If you look at one of the dictionary definitions of love “unselfish, loyal, benevolent concern for others”, supporting someone in abusing themselves or others (including us) is certainly not love.

Some of this is not easy to do. And, having said that, consider this:

What would your life be like if you were Unconditionally Loved and Loved Unconditionally?

Please leave a comment. I do want to know what you think.

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My New Life - Creating My Tomorrow

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul.

November is a special month for many reasons. It’s my birthday month. It’s Thanksgiving’s month. And now it is the month that starts a new season of my life.

A little background is in order.

My granddaughter and great granddaughter have lived with me this past year. Having them here was a blessing in many ways but it also created challenges in keeping to my Writing Goals. Having a little face light up when she toddled into my office in the morning, wanting hugs, up and to share kisses? Well, sucker that I am, that took precedence over whatever I was working on. And then there were the emergency child care days when the regular people weren’t available. Of course I said ‘yes’ and turned off the computer.

Ringing my gong almost a year ago

Last Friday they moved on to their new life and that meant I either went back to my old life from before they arrived or I created a new life.

Since it’s my birthday month, I decided a new life was what I wanted to create.

Rearranging the furniture came first.

Well, not exactly—first was the cleaning. No, actually first happened over the last two weeks they were here. I went through every kitchen cupboard and shelf as well as the pantry shelves and where I store other things. If I couldn’t remember when I last used it, I put it out for her to take. Setting up a household for the first time can be expensive! And since I was going to be a household of one did I really need 8 spatulas?

When they pulled out of the driveway, I rearrange the kitchen and cleaned the countertops.

Next came changing the arrangement of my living room furniture.

Life is about choices. And I firmly believe my Glasser tagline:

Your Choices Today Create Your Tomorrow.

Since I want my “tomorrow” to be filled with love and gratitude, I’m choosing to focus on what I want to create or manifest in this new phase of my life.

What about you? Have you a defining moment in your life when you’ve made major changes, even deciding to take your life in a new direction?

Please share!

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

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Glasser Wisdom: My Plan Is

Glasser Wisdom: My Plan Is

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

We’ve explored good and bad judgement and understand that “Useless Judgement” can and does negatively impact our lives. If you paid attention to your negative self-talk you’ve identified useless judgement in your life.

Here’s how to take control of Useless Judgement.

Write down the negative self-talk you’ve identified.

Rate each on a scale of 1 – 5 with 5 having the most negative impact.

Rank them in order starting with the ‘5’s’ and working your way down to the 1’s.

Look at the 5’s. Which one do you want to work on first?

Let’s say you pick

“I suck at technology. I can’t even use my smart phone well. I’m always hitting the wrong button and hanging up on people.”

This is a useless judgement you have total control over. So, what’s your plan?

You may now see “I suck at technology” and say “I don’t want to spend any time working on this. It really isn’t that important.”

Change the number.

Is it now a 1 or 2? Maybe a 3?

Next is “I’m too critical of myself. I’m constantly telling myself something is too hard or I can’t do it.”

This one is a bit vague. But if you don’t want to get more specific, you can still work on it as it is.

Thank yourself for doing something right

What can you say or do when you hear yourself being critical of you? Saying something is too hard and that you can’t do it?

Use your creativity. Imagine what your life would be like, how you would view yourself if this theme of negative self-talk was eliminated or at least greatly reduced?

If you appreciated the work you do?

If this is too challenging for you to deal with on your own, where can you turn for help?

A close caring compassionate friend?

A counselor?

I always recommend people read Dr. Glasser’s books to help stir their imaginations into finding their answers.

What’s important to take from this series of posts is
1.       The only person’s behavior you can control is your own.
2.       If you want your life to be different, only you can make that happen.
3.     Taking each item that negatively affects you (one at a time) and making a plan to do things differently works.

You may choose to seek professional help, you may choose to work alone, you may choose to join a group with similar issues.

By making a plan and following through, you will (I’m fairly sure) notice a shift in the direction you want to go.

Caveat: negative self-talk is powerful and when we want to make changes and eliminate or reduce it, expect an upsurge. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a Useless Judgement whose time has come and it doesn’t want to leave. Wish it well and let it go.

Remember: Your Choices Today Create Your Tomorrow or keeping with the language we’ve been using Your Judgements Today Create Your Tomorrow.

Judge well.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

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© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdom: Reducing/Eliminating Useless Judgement

Glasser Wisdom: Reducing/Eliminating Useless Judgement

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

How do we eliminate or at least reduce Useless Judgement from our lives?

By remembering The Only Person We Can Control Is Ourselves.

If we remember this, we’ve reduced all Useless Judgement focused on other people.

That, however, still leaves ‘us’.

How do we reduce or eliminate Useless Judgement when it comes to us?

We do have control over our own behavior thus over our own choices.

This next week, keep track of your negative self-talk. Perhaps jot down the theme you see or hear as you go about your day.

You might also want to ‘catch yourself doing something right’ and congratulate yourself on your good judgement.

I’ve found that spending a few minutes before I go to bed to review my day is important. However, I focus on that for which I’m grateful. If you want to adopt that practice as the time you ‘catch yourself doing something right’, it's a perfect time to do so.

I do Not recommend that you review your negative self-talk at that time. Perhaps after dinner? Or when brushing your teeth? But not as you get ready to slip into your bed and fall asleep.

See you next Monday when we will check out how to move forward now that you know where to find your Useless Judgements.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdom: Useless Judgement

Glasser Wisdom: Useless Judgement

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

“Useless Judgements” What are they?

Useless judgements are those that, in some way, harm us. Here’s a partial list:

I’m too stupid to learn X.

I’m not good enough.

My spouse/kids/friends/neighbors are selfish/don’t care about my problems.

I’ll never be able to XXX.

S/he should do XXX.

S/he shouldn’t do XXX.

If I was a good parent my kids would always/would never XXX.

Or in more general terms:

Our negative self-talk.

Our critical judgement of others.

Our efforts to mold someone, to make them change.

If you read “The Ultimate Question” you saw the list of the Seven Deadly and Seven Caring Habits that Dr. Glasser created. Not only do the Seven Deadly Habits leech the joy from our relationships with others but as, if not more important, they suck the joy out of our own lives.

When you think of the term Useless Judgements, what comes to mind? Pay attention to where useless judgements pop up in your life. Where are you? What are you doing? Who is with you?

Next week I’ll share one way to eliminate or at least reduce the incidents of “Useless Judgement” in your life.

And for those of you who love spelling, "judgement" and "judgment" are both listed in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary on my desk.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdome: The Good and Bad in Judgement

Glasser Wisdom: The Good and Bad in Judgement

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the back wards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

I hope you had fun with your “mission” this past week.

My guess is that most of you see the importance of judgement in our lives. I’m dealing with some health issues around food. It seems there are some foods I used to be able to eat that my body now takes exception to. I’m adding foods into my diet one at a time to see who the culprits are. Many judgements going on with each new addition including what to add next and then how does my body feel.

There are basics such as food that are ‘it depends’. For some, they do not have the luxury of deciding what to eat. They are grateful for ‘something’ to eat. That is where their judgement comes in. Going further down that line of thinking, for some, the decision is what they will do to get food. Some are hungry enough to steal food. Some will sell themselves for food.

Whenever I hear the words “I had no choice”, I translate that into, this choice was the best one given my options.

This ties into the Myth of Choice. Somewhere in our lives we come to believe that there is always a ‘good choice’ if we can just figure it out.

That just isn’t true. Staying with food for our example.

We go to the grocery store with a special dinner menu in mind and with a budget to stick to. As we browse the aisles we find that while all the ingredients are there, their prices aren’t within our budget. So, the special dinner menu we anticipated isn’t available if we stick to our budget or we spend beyond our means to get what we want. If the dollar amount in our budget is finite and there isn’t any room to wiggle, we have more decisions to make as to what we will include or not include. Every phase of this shopping trip takes judgement.

At this point we have even more choices. We can bemoan the fact that we don’t have the money to buy what we want. We can berate the grocery store for charging such high prices. We can see if we can shop lift one of the ingredients so we can afford the special dinner.

Each one of these is a separate choice based on judgement. Depending on how important that special dinner is to you, you’ll make your decision based on the importance of the dinner rather than the possible consequences.

Judgements that are helpful to us are ‘good’. That also means the consequences of that judgement or decision is positive.

Judgements that have negative consequences in our lives are ‘bad’. Sometimes we stay so focused on what we want, we do not pay attention to possible consequences. And, that can create problems.

Reread my post on “The Ultimate Question” if you are having relationship issues. You may find a way to make better or good judgements/decisions.

Where are you making judgements that have negative consequences? Do you see a pattern?

I’ll be back next Monday with more about how “Useless judgements” leech joy from our lives and create havoc in our relationships with ourselves and others.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdom: The Ultimate Question by Judith Ashley

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

When engaging with others, asking ourselves “The Ultimate Question” often creates an environment that supports positive interactions and relationships. What is that question?

“If I say or do (fill in the blank) will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?”

Connected with “The Ultimate Question” is the idea of “Caring” and “Destructive” Habits which you learned of in earlier posts.

If your relationships are going well (and the other person/people think that also), then most likely you are already using the “caring habits”.

When relationships hit bumpy areas, most likely one or both of you are using the “deadly habits” in an effort to “Make” the other person change or agree with you.

In Choice Theory and Reality Therapy terms we say that is “External Control Psychology.” Around the world the prevalent thought is that we can control others when in actuality that is a myth of gigantic proportions.

As I write this post, someone is dying for principles that are more important than living. And, as I write this post, someone is making the choice to change in order to remain alive.

Judith and friend, Robin Kramme making positive choices

We all make choices based on our internal sense of what is important to us, what we believe in, what someone we love or respects wants us to do. So, it may feel like we are doing something we don’t really want to do but the truth is, we’d rather do it than experience the result of not doing it.

I've certainly done my share of household chores, school assignments and even work-related tasks over the years. Have I wanted to do all of them? No.

But I did.

Why?

Household chores: grounding, deductions from my allowance, arguing with my parents and still being expected to do the chore were incentives for Me to decide to do them – not necessarily with a smile on my face and joy in my heart but my parents did not expect that. More than once I had part of my allowance deducted and I was grounded because I would rather have that consequence than do the chore.

School assignments: Many, many boring chapters read, endless papers written, inane or maybe insane projects completed over sixteen plus years because I wanted to graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a salary increase by completing additional educational coursework. And, being who I am, it wasn’t acceptable to me to have poor grades. (My parents’ message was “as long as you do your best”).

Work-related tasks: Paycheck! When things were truly not something I wanted to do, I reminded myself I had a job and most of the people I worked with did not and because I had the job, I was getting paid to write the report, to check on the person, to spend time in a filthy hoarder house, etc.

I invite you to begin to monitor your internal process by paying attention to what is going on when you do something you don’t want to do.

If that is true then why are you doing it?

And, what is the consequence if you don't?

Please ask questions if this doesn’t make sense to you. And if it does? I’d love to hear from you in the comments’ section.

Interested in learning more about training in Dr. Glasser’s concepts? Email me at judith@judithashleyromance.com or check out training availability at http://wglasser.com.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley