Three Truths

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Last month I talked about ‘unconditional acceptance’ and the role forgiveness (which includes giving up revenge) plays.

Why should we care about unconditional acceptance?

Why should we want to give up revenge?

One idea is we can’t give what we don’t have ourselves. In other words, we cannot love someone else if we don’t love ourselves. That does not mean we can’t feel passion, attraction or even positive feelings for another person but our negative sense of self will be undermining our attempts at positive messaging.

And when we are stressed or just in a bad place, we are more likely to lash out at the other people in our lives…treating them with harsh words, etc. much like we treat ourselves when we are disappointed with our choices or outcomes.

Here are three concepts or truths to consider:

One - no one is born hating anyone or anything.

Another truth: no one wakes up in the morning with a plan to disappoint themselves or others.

And the third: no one makes a decision thinking this will hurt me or this won’t work or I’m sure I’ll fail.

Our plans for ourselves and others are based on what we want for ourselves and/or for them and those plans are our best attempt at the time.

I’ve friends who tell me they don’t always do their very best at a task. And I believe them because that is true. We don’t always do a quality job but we always do what we want given the broader picture.

An example: You have the floors to clean and an invitation to go out with your best friend to do something fun. The probability of you doing a quality job on the floors, especially if it will take hours and means you won’t be going to do the fun activity is low. But you will do something with the floors. They will look better than they did before you worked on them.

However, if your future in-law was coming over to your place for the first time and s/he was a stickler for a clean house, you may choose to not go with your friend (depending on how important it is to impress) but stay home and do a quality job on the floors.

And if you decide to do an ‘okay job’ and go have fun, I’m not sure that you are making that choice to insult your future-in-law. More likely you made that choice because you wanted to have fun and/or spend time with your friend.

Remember I believe all behavior is purposeful so the question becomes, what is the purpose of your negative self-talk?

How can you unconditionally accept someone else if you can’t unconditionally accept yourself?

And do remember that unconditional acceptance does not mean you don’t want to improve something about yourself. It only means that you accept who and where you are right now.

If you want to change something, make a positive plan to do so and support yourself in moving forward with it recognizing you will most likely deviate from your plan at some point. All that is then required is that you Resume your course. No berating, belittling, demeaning is needed. You simple start where you left off and move forward.

I do want this to be a dialogue so please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Forgiveness and Peace in Our World

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

“Unconditional acceptance is a piece of the foundation of unconditional love.”

What would your world, your life be like if you were unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?

I do have people in my life who unconditionally accept, support and love me. (I've included pictures of a few of them). And, like most of us, I have people in my life who do not. 

Gimi, Lois and Connie unconditionally support me

If you aren’t sure if you do or not, think about the people you look forward to seeing, who, when you are with them or think about them, you feel more energy and optimism. These would be the people with whom you have the most positive relationships.

Lois, Diane and Rosemary. Long time supporters

As I already confessed, I do have people in my life who seem to suck the life and energy right out of me. If I don’t dread seeing them, I’m exhausted by the time I get home.

They are people who see the world around them as a dangerous, negative, fearful place. People are not to be trusted. Everyone is out to get them or at the least out to get what they can which leaves less for them.

Authors Diana McCollum and Sarah Raplee

Anger and fear are energy drains on the one hand and energy surges (without the protector) on the other. Anger and fear pull us into a negative spiral and they negatively impact our health. Being in a constant state of fight/flight/stress wears our bodies out.

So where does forgiveness come in?

Here are two axioms I find true for me:

1.      The only person’s behavior I can control is my own. That doesn’t mean I can’t hold a gun to someone’s head or beat them into submission but the consequences of those choices do not appeal to me on many levels. (And the reality is there are people who willingly die rather than submit – think suicide bombers).

Play write and friend Robin Kramme

2.      All behavior is purposeful. That does mean just that. Everything we do has a purpose. There is something we want to have happen or we wouldn’t be doing anything. And even when we say we are doing nothing, there is a purpose behind that.

Forgiveness is about taking care of ourselves.

Forgiveness is about taking responsibility for our own health and well-being.

Forgiveness is about our own healing and moving forward with our lives.

Forgiveness is not about condoning or approving of the action of the other person/people.

Forgiveness is about our understanding they are in a painfully negatively state of mind and rather than take responsibility for, take charge of, and take care of themselves, they lash out and blame others for what is lacking in their own lives.

In each of the Sacred Women Circle stories the heroines come face-to-face with the issues of both trust and forgiveness. They each face a dark time, they each have doubts about themselves and their futures.

However, they each have unconditional acceptance, support and love within their sacred women’s circle. With that support they are able to find forgiveness and trust and unconditional love with their hero. After all, I do write romance so you know every story ends with a “happily-ever-after”.

Your free copy of Book One: Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Barriers to Unconditional Acceptance

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

One of the barriers I see that keeps people from continuing down the path to unconditional acceptance is the concept of ‘approval’.

Acceptance and approval are not the same thing. I can accept that something is true without approving of it. I can accept that something is true or important to another person without approving it for myself.

A simple example: Virtually all of my friends drink coffee. I don’t. I accept that drinking coffee is important to them. I don’t approve of drinking coffee for me (it tastes awful and I didn’t feel good when I was in college and tried it out. Getting sick on a coffee date was not a good experience).

As I’m working on my own Unconditional Acceptance, I use the concept of “resume” as I heard it explained by Susan Peirce Thompson. Susan is the founder of the BrightLine Eating System. She talks about the reality that there are times people on this program stray off the path. What’s important? Resume.

This concept works well when we are on the path to Unconditional Acceptance.

I couple of weeks ago I found myself yelling at the television. I was horrified and fell into the old pattern of chastising myself for the lapse. When I finally stopped ringing a peal over my head, I remembered “resume” and so I did.

It’s really that simple.

Lily is the first book on the left!!!

When you find you’ve strayed from the path you want to be on, stop where you are and pivot so you resume your journey on the path you prefer.

Your assignment:

Use the goal you came up with last week and practice “resume.”

Or, if you are far enough down the road to success, that it could be several days or even weeks before you stray, pick  something else to work on remembering that when you stray to “resume”.

Set your new path by declaring your goal and your daily practice to reach that goal. Use positive present tense action words.

I easily and effortlessly learn to use Vellum and publish my books.

What’s important is to catch ourselves when those negative thoughts invade our positive thoughts. It may be a few minutes to a few days before we catch them but when we do, instead of beating ourselves up, our new mantra is “Resume.”

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you! Spoiler Alert!!! Lily may not use "resume" but she does have to learn to find her way back to her path.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Self-Acceptance is First

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

For this next post we’ll take a look at our own self-acceptance rating. I come from the belief that we can best help others by taking care of ourselves. This has not always been how I’ve viewed the world. But then thoughts such as this one popped up.

When you are sick with some bug, how well can you take care of someone else? If you are me, not as good as I am when I’m well.

Extrapolate that thinking and you come up with the concept that in order to be at your best in helping others, you must be your best.

I’ve made progress in this past several years. And here is a classic example:

In February 2011 when Sarah Raplee and I came up with the idea for a group blog—Romancing The Genres (Check us out!) I was a fast typist on the computer. I could write reports, emails and I had completed the first three books in the Sacred Women’s Circle series. Of the two of us, Sarah was the techie. She fearlessly clicked the “Help” button on Blogger for help. I hesitated to search on the internet for anything much less click into the vast unknown.

It's a bit blurry but this is Sarah and me at our first book signing!

Saturday night Sarah and I were on the phone talking about, if I purchase a used Mac so I can learn and put my books on Vellum, oh and there was a discussion about using the ‘macincloud’. I’d actually searched for the Vellum site and then read several responses on a site dedicated on how best to use Vellum.

Am I fearless when it comes to clicking around the world-wide web? No, I still have my moments. But, I am cautious, not terrified I’ll do something wrong and my computer will blow up. (I see some of you laughing!)

How did I shift from fear to caution and from ‘knowing’ I can’t to believing I can learn new techie things?

I changed how I saw myself.

I went from ‘conditional acceptance’ to unconditional acceptance that I am an intelligent woman and have the capacity (mental, emotional and physical) to learn new things.

Did it happen overnight? Absolutely not.

And I do consider that if I believed it could change overnight, it would or it would change more rapidly? Yes I do. I’m an unconditional-acceptance- work-in-progress.

If you believe, you can succeed

Your assignment if you wish to continue on this journey to unconditional acceptance with me is this:

Pick one aspect of yourself you’d like to see in a positive light. 

Write out in present tense what this aspect is as if it already exists. Now look at specific thoughts and actions you can take to stay on this path.

Notice mine is “I easily and effortlessly learn (present tense) new software. I could be more specific and say ‘Vellum’. I could leave it there. I can also add why. The added value to me in this project. "I easily and effortlessly learn Vellum so I am more efficient and effective in publishing my books."

You can decide if adding the value of the project is important to your moving forward on the path to unconditional acceptance. 

My action steps or plan include: seeking input from others about where to purchase a used Mac; use my Microsoft One Drive more consistently to improve my experience in using The Cloud so I can better determine which option is better for me; remind myself when (notice I’m not using ‘if’) I feel frustrated that I’m intelligent and can learn this; regroup/resume and go forth again.

Check back in next Monday for another post on Unconditional Acceptance.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Starting the Journey to Unconditional Acceptance

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

If you’ve been following me over the past year or so, you know I’m on the Senior Teaching Faculty for The William Glasser Institute and I write romantic women’s fiction with strong spiritual elements.

My Glasser tag line is "It's All About Relationships."

My author tag line is “Soul Nurturing Romance.”

 

You also know that I experienced an epiphany while working with True Path Consulting NW’s founder, Paul Iarrobino and yet another one while attending the Desert Dreams Writer’s Conference this past May and June.

What does this have to do with Unconditional Acceptance?

Beautiful Saguaro Cactus

Quite a bit really.

1.     Working with Paul helped me vocalize what I want readers to experience as they read my books.

2.     Attending Desert Dreams showed me the power of my “core question” which is “What would it be like to be in a place where you are unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?”

Because the people I talked to at the writer’s conference in Arizona were, for the most part, stunned and unable to answer the question I experienced the power of the question from yet a different perspective.

From that different perspective I asked myself “What would happen if we had a conversation about creating that life of unconditional acceptance, support and love for ourselves?”

And that’s the impetus behind this and future blog posts.

Next Monday I’ll weigh in more specifically about ‘unconditional acceptance.’

Today I leave you with these questions:

On a scale of 1 – 10:

How well do you accept yourself?

And unless you gave yourself a 10, what would your life be like if you were at a 10?

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

The Power of Reflection

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

My journey includes figuring out how to talk to people about my books. The Sacred Women’s Circle series has a strong spiritual element to each of the books and the heat level (sensual, sexual scenes) varies dramatically.

Add to that I was raised with the admonishment that talking about one’s self isn’t attractive, tooting your own horn is vulgar, etc.

Oh, and pricing? That has been a gigantic hurdle to overcome.

But I’ve been working on these cultural barriers.

While at the Desert Dreams Writers’ Conference I figured out how to talk about my books in a different way.

In preparing for the day long “Readers’ Experience” I worked with Paul Iarrobino at True Path Consulting NW. After brainstorming ideas and some time to reflect, I decided on the following question.

What would it be like to be in a place where you were unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?

Take a minute and seriously consider this question.

When I asked this question of readers at the Reader Experience Event, I watched as they went within, their eyes drifted closed, their gaze became unfocused, some even sighed. What did they say?

“I’d be dead.”

“Heaven.”

Or a combination of the two.

Struck by the reality that none of the people said “Oh, I have that XXX,” I initially was shocked.

How different would our lives be if we had that place of safety? That haven where we are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. I will admit it is not in my life 24/7 but I have been places and experienced the profound sense of love and safety that comes from being in a sacred space.

Upon reflection I also realized another truth.

There are sacred women’s circles and there are women’s circles. In both women come together and engage in spiritual practices.

What’s the difference?

In a sacred women’s circle there is unconditional acceptance, unconditional support and unconditional love. And that is the foundation for The Circle, the sacred women’s circle these seven women create.

If you start with Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl and read each book, when you finish the series you’ll have the framework for creating your own sacred women’s circle. You’ll have prayers, ideas for altars, information about the Eight Sabbats or pagan high holy days. You’ll see how having a strong spiritual practice and a sacred women’s circle supports each of these women as they face the real life challenges that are part and parcel of our daily lives.

I’d love to hear your comments about unconditional acceptance, support and love.

Please share where, if any, you have these places in your life. And, equally important, if you don’t, what would your life be like if you did?

Check back next week to learn more about the women in The Circle.

Sign up for Connections, my newsletter, and download a free e-copy of Lily.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Unconditional Love - Long Post

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

You’ve heard the term “Unconditional Love”.

What exactly does that mean?

As we’ve already learned “Unconditional” means without conditions or limits. That’s fairly concrete. We can discuss what a condition or limit is but for the most part we’d more easily come to agreement on that than we would on the word “Love”.

That may sound strange coming from someone who writes romance. But the word “love” has numerous definitions in part because it is used in a variety of contexts. We talk about how much we love foods, colors, clothes, etc. We also talk about ‘love’ when speaking about pets and places. Even when we are referencing people, there is a distinction i.e. l love my family. I love my friends. I love myself. I love you (a particularly significant person such as a spouse or lover). “Love” is one of those words that has gained such popularity that it is important for each of us to understand how we are using it.

Why? Because “Love” is a word that describes an emotional connection to something or someone.

In my work as Senior Faculty for The William Glasser Institute we teach that relationships are at the heart of problems—that if we all got along better (think unconditional acceptance and unconditional support) our world and the world around us would be a more peaceful place. (And Peaceful is not necessarily boring).

We also teach that when we use words like “love” each of us has our own individual picture or perception of what that would look like, what our personal manifestation of that word would be in our own life.

So keep that in mind as you consider Unconditional Love.

When two people say they ‘unconditionally love’ each other that does mean that they accept each other as they are. They do not enter the relationship wanting the other person to change. They want what is best for the other party without dictating what that “best” is.

The hardest part of that last paragraph comes when we see someone we love doing something we just Know will end in pain or disaster or both. Many of us have a strong “fix it” trait and it is hard to step back.

One thing I’ve found that helps me is to remember they are living their own lives, this is their path and there is something they need to learn or experience which is why whatever it is is happening to them at this point in time. Sometimes we have to experience the same situation more than once before we figure things out and sometimes we never to figure it out. When we try to ‘fix it’ for someone else, we take their power away from then and what’s worse, if it doesn’t work out, it is our fault.

Knowing yourself, your boundaries, having the wherewithal and skill to set and hold them without hostility is key to continuing to love someone and yet not approve of everything they choose to do. If you ever hear the words “If you loved me, you would …” come out of your mouth or said to you, you know you do not or are not Unconditionally Loved. This is also true if you just think them about another person.

Again, Dr. Glasser spoke and wrote about healthy boundaries. A core principle in Choice Theory is that our choices do not harm another person. However, you can accept, support and love someone and still say “no”.

Here is an example: You have a family member or friend who has addiction problems. It is not mean to say to that person, “You are always welcome in my home when you are clean and sober.” Sometimes you need to complete the thought with “You are not welcome when you are drunk or stoned.” Of course, if you are spewing angry energy into each word—

From my point of view, one of the most difficult tasks facing us on our life journey is to know ourselves and our needs, to set clear boundaries to protect ourselves and to keep them. Sacrificing ourselves in the name of ‘love’ is not – again from my perspective – loving. Enabling a people to continue to abuse themselves, others or you, is not loving.

Diana Pettybone finally faces the reality of her abusive marriage. And, it only gets worse. The emotional and verbal abuse escalates to physical. Her circle sisters support her in leaving her marriage and protecting her from further abuse. They do not support her when she wavers and considers returning to him. However, they only ask her questions to help her think things through e.g. “Why do you think he’s changed?” “What do you see him doing different?” “Why is it important to you what other people think?”

Each of the heroines in The Sacred Women’s Circle series faces a critical time when they must take the leap toward what they want, leaving behind what they’ve had, the safety of the known for the possible glory of their happily-ever-after. They make that decision knowing that regardless of their choice, they will continue to have the acceptance, support and love of their circle sisters.

If you look at one of the dictionary definitions of love “unselfish, loyal, benevolent concern for others”, supporting someone in abusing themselves or others (including us) is certainly not love.

Some of this is not easy to do. And, having said that, consider this:

What would your life be like if you were Unconditionally Loved and Loved Unconditionally?

Please leave a comment. I do want to know what you think.

Signup for Connections, my newsletter, and download a free e-copy of Lily.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Follow Judith on Twitter:@JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!