Practicing What I Teach Or Is It Preach?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Unconditional support has been the topic this month. It isn’t always easy to take care of yourself and there are times when you may decide on a short term basis (as in a few hours or maybe a day or two) to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own. But the bottom line remains: taking care of ourselves is primary if we truly want to be at our best in supporting the people we care about.

This month I’ve faced that test several times and, to be honest, have not always practiced what I “preach”. However within 24 – 36 hours I’ve reminded myself of the truth of what I teach.

When I don’t take care of myself, I really am not at my best and therefore I truly am not able to support my friend(s) in the way I most want to.

Without sleep, my energy is low and my mental acuity isn’t at its sharpest.

Without eating properly, my energy is low and my brain functioning suffers as do my reflexes.

Combine the two and my mood suffers. My ability to “go with the flow” and interject the appropriate response to difficult behavior is disruptive. At its worst I become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

Upon reflection I can see I'm my own best advertisement for following my advice to Take Care Of Yourself First!

Next month I’ll be sharing ideas on creating a life with Unconditional Love flowing through it. In the meantime, consider as we head in to the holiday season that is usually fraught with peril (I love that phrase), what your plan is to take care of yourself.

As always please share!

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

A Tale of Two Friendships

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

This week I want to share a story with you. It isn’t about any of my books or even a topic I’ve dealt with in any of my books or short stories – maybe someday but not yet.

I’ve two friends I met in 1980 who have “memory loss” or “dementia.” They have different forms of cognitive decline. (I learned there are 30 different types of dementia while talking to the primary care doctor of one of them). But back to my story.

I unconditionally accept that both of these exceedingly bright people have dementia/memory loss.

I unconditionally accept that it shows up differently in each of them – but that does not make the diagnosis less accurate.

I unconditionally accept that I will remain their friend until their death even beyond the time when they no longer really know who I am.

Now to unconditional support.

One of my friends lives in the same community I do. When his wife was dying she asked me to watch out for him. I agreed. After her death, he asked me to help him. I agreed. This past year has been fraught with all sorts of challenges as I’ve attempted and at times succeeded in supporting him.

In some ways it is easier with him being nearer. I can stop by and talk to him, see his physical reaction, talk to staff (yes, I assisted him in moving to a protected living situation so he’d be safer). He also says he has dementia and while not thrilled with the diagnosis, he has made peace with it.

Sunset on the Oregon Coast - a place we all love

My other friend lives two thousand miles away. I talk to her on the phone at least once and usually twice or three times a month but I’ve not been back to visit for a little over two years.

We spoke on the phone last night and she was distressed. She’d heard there was a new drug on the market and she’d called her doctor to ask about having it prescribed for her. When she was told there was nothing to be done for her, she told me she cried and cried and cried.

Part of her story was that the receptionist or medical assistant told her in what was, to her, a harsh tone of voice. So, being who I am, I asked her “If it was true that there was nothing that could be done, how would she want that information told to her?”

I ended up asking the question two more times because she just didn’t seem to understand it.

However, when she answered it, I understood it wasn’t her memory loss (that’s the only term she can use to reference her cognitive decline) that was the problem.

She is unable/unwilling to accept that there is nothing that can be done. She believes as long as studies are being done, researchers are seeking cures, there is a chance that the progress of her disease can be halted.

Knowing this, understanding this gives me a different way to unconditionally support her. I won’t be asking her the kinds of questions that create that dissonance for her, the ones where she faces the answer she doesn’t want.

She said “Why would I want to live if I knew there was no hope and I’d become a vegetable, unable to care for myself, unable to enjoy anything?”

Of course she would not want to live under those circumstances and knowing her for 37 years I totally understand that.

Lily helps vulnerable adults

As her memory fails, she is becoming more isolated. I can keep in regular contact with phone calls and cards.

As her memory fails (the past 10 – 15 years have faded to almost nothing). I can listen and reminisce with her about the trips and other events we’ve shared.

As her memory fails, I can remain her friend even when she isn’t sure who I am I can still show up in her life.

These are just two examples of people I unconditionally accept as they are and unconditionally support as best I can.

Please share your thoughts in the comments section so we can have a conversation.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Three Truths

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Last month I talked about ‘unconditional acceptance’ and the role forgiveness (which includes giving up revenge) plays.

Why should we care about unconditional acceptance?

Why should we want to give up revenge?

One idea is we can’t give what we don’t have ourselves. In other words, we cannot love someone else if we don’t love ourselves. That does not mean we can’t feel passion, attraction or even positive feelings for another person but our negative sense of self will be undermining our attempts at positive messaging.

And when we are stressed or just in a bad place, we are more likely to lash out at the other people in our lives…treating them with harsh words, etc. much like we treat ourselves when we are disappointed with our choices or outcomes.

Here are three concepts or truths to consider:

One - no one is born hating anyone or anything.

Another truth: no one wakes up in the morning with a plan to disappoint themselves or others.

And the third: no one makes a decision thinking this will hurt me or this won’t work or I’m sure I’ll fail.

Our plans for ourselves and others are based on what we want for ourselves and/or for them and those plans are our best attempt at the time.

I’ve friends who tell me they don’t always do their very best at a task. And I believe them because that is true. We don’t always do a quality job but we always do what we want given the broader picture.

An example: You have the floors to clean and an invitation to go out with your best friend to do something fun. The probability of you doing a quality job on the floors, especially if it will take hours and means you won’t be going to do the fun activity is low. But you will do something with the floors. They will look better than they did before you worked on them.

However, if your future in-law was coming over to your place for the first time and s/he was a stickler for a clean house, you may choose to not go with your friend (depending on how important it is to impress) but stay home and do a quality job on the floors.

And if you decide to do an ‘okay job’ and go have fun, I’m not sure that you are making that choice to insult your future-in-law. More likely you made that choice because you wanted to have fun and/or spend time with your friend.

Remember I believe all behavior is purposeful so the question becomes, what is the purpose of your negative self-talk?

How can you unconditionally accept someone else if you can’t unconditionally accept yourself?

And do remember that unconditional acceptance does not mean you don’t want to improve something about yourself. It only means that you accept who and where you are right now.

If you want to change something, make a positive plan to do so and support yourself in moving forward with it recognizing you will most likely deviate from your plan at some point. All that is then required is that you Resume your course. No berating, belittling, demeaning is needed. You simple start where you left off and move forward.

I do want this to be a dialogue so please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Forgiveness and Peace in Our World

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

“Unconditional acceptance is a piece of the foundation of unconditional love.”

What would your world, your life be like if you were unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?

I do have people in my life who unconditionally accept, support and love me. (I've included pictures of a few of them). And, like most of us, I have people in my life who do not. 

Gimi, Lois and Connie unconditionally support me

If you aren’t sure if you do or not, think about the people you look forward to seeing, who, when you are with them or think about them, you feel more energy and optimism. These would be the people with whom you have the most positive relationships.

Lois, Diane and Rosemary. Long time supporters

As I already confessed, I do have people in my life who seem to suck the life and energy right out of me. If I don’t dread seeing them, I’m exhausted by the time I get home.

They are people who see the world around them as a dangerous, negative, fearful place. People are not to be trusted. Everyone is out to get them or at the least out to get what they can which leaves less for them.

Authors Diana McCollum and Sarah Raplee

Anger and fear are energy drains on the one hand and energy surges (without the protector) on the other. Anger and fear pull us into a negative spiral and they negatively impact our health. Being in a constant state of fight/flight/stress wears our bodies out.

So where does forgiveness come in?

Here are two axioms I find true for me:

1.      The only person’s behavior I can control is my own. That doesn’t mean I can’t hold a gun to someone’s head or beat them into submission but the consequences of those choices do not appeal to me on many levels. (And the reality is there are people who willingly die rather than submit – think suicide bombers).

Play write and friend Robin Kramme

2.      All behavior is purposeful. That does mean just that. Everything we do has a purpose. There is something we want to have happen or we wouldn’t be doing anything. And even when we say we are doing nothing, there is a purpose behind that.

Forgiveness is about taking care of ourselves.

Forgiveness is about taking responsibility for our own health and well-being.

Forgiveness is about our own healing and moving forward with our lives.

Forgiveness is not about condoning or approving of the action of the other person/people.

Forgiveness is about our understanding they are in a painfully negatively state of mind and rather than take responsibility for, take charge of, and take care of themselves, they lash out and blame others for what is lacking in their own lives.

In each of the Sacred Women Circle stories the heroines come face-to-face with the issues of both trust and forgiveness. They each face a dark time, they each have doubts about themselves and their futures.

However, they each have unconditional acceptance, support and love within their sacred women’s circle. With that support they are able to find forgiveness and trust and unconditional love with their hero. After all, I do write romance so you know every story ends with a “happily-ever-after”.

Your free copy of Book One: Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Protective and Supportive Behaviors

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Now that you are on your own journey to Unconditional Acceptance of yourself, you may find that you are more accepting of others.

You see that they are taking care of themselves in a manner that does not “serve” you, does not support you. But you ‘accept’ that on some level it supports them.

When I’m teaching for The William Glasser Institute I talk about ‘protective behaviors’ and ‘supportive behaviors’. We often see protective behaviors are negative.

A simple example from my 7^th grade teaching days.

“Acting out behavior in the classroom” as in a 15 year old boy in 7^th grade being disruptive. What I know is that those three older boys who were in my 7^th grade reading class couldn’t read 7^th grade level books which is what I had to teach from.

Not my classroom or I would have had more problems

They came from a community where it was common to drop out of school at 16 when it was no longer ‘compulsory education’ and work in the mills or woods. These boys most likely read at a 2^nd or maybe even a 3^rd or 4^th grade level. As a ‘secondary teacher’ I never was taught how to ‘teach reading’. Only elementary teachers had that as part of their curriculum.

When they were disruptive, the other students didn’t see how poor their reading skills were. If they really were out-of-line, I could have them sit in the hall or even send them to the principal’s office. Again, the other students wouldn’t see that they couldn’t read the books we were studying.

During those times when I read to the class and we discussed the story, they were not behavior problems and they did participate---at least to some extent.

So disruptive behaviors “protected” them in some way. Perhaps from embarrassment. Perhaps from possible ridicule. Perhaps for a reason known only to them at that time.

Take a moment to think about yourself. Where do you use ‘protective’ behaviors?

And what is an example of a ‘supportive’ behavior? Something that ‘supports’ you in reaching your goals, something that when you are engaged in it, you feel better about yourself and your world.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.”

Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of Lily the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

The Power of Reflection

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

My journey includes figuring out how to talk to people about my books. The Sacred Women’s Circle series has a strong spiritual element to each of the books and the heat level (sensual, sexual scenes) varies dramatically.

Add to that I was raised with the admonishment that talking about one’s self isn’t attractive, tooting your own horn is vulgar, etc.

Oh, and pricing? That has been a gigantic hurdle to overcome.

But I’ve been working on these cultural barriers.

While at the Desert Dreams Writers’ Conference I figured out how to talk about my books in a different way.

In preparing for the day long “Readers’ Experience” I worked with Paul Iarrobino at True Path Consulting NW. After brainstorming ideas and some time to reflect, I decided on the following question.

What would it be like to be in a place where you were unconditionally accepted, unconditionally supported and unconditionally loved?

Take a minute and seriously consider this question.

When I asked this question of readers at the Reader Experience Event, I watched as they went within, their eyes drifted closed, their gaze became unfocused, some even sighed. What did they say?

“I’d be dead.”

“Heaven.”

Or a combination of the two.

Struck by the reality that none of the people said “Oh, I have that XXX,” I initially was shocked.

How different would our lives be if we had that place of safety? That haven where we are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. I will admit it is not in my life 24/7 but I have been places and experienced the profound sense of love and safety that comes from being in a sacred space.

Upon reflection I also realized another truth.

There are sacred women’s circles and there are women’s circles. In both women come together and engage in spiritual practices.

What’s the difference?

In a sacred women’s circle there is unconditional acceptance, unconditional support and unconditional love. And that is the foundation for The Circle, the sacred women’s circle these seven women create.

If you start with Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl and read each book, when you finish the series you’ll have the framework for creating your own sacred women’s circle. You’ll have prayers, ideas for altars, information about the Eight Sabbats or pagan high holy days. You’ll see how having a strong spiritual practice and a sacred women’s circle supports each of these women as they face the real life challenges that are part and parcel of our daily lives.

I’d love to hear your comments about unconditional acceptance, support and love.

Please share where, if any, you have these places in your life. And, equally important, if you don’t, what would your life be like if you did?

Check back next week to learn more about the women in The Circle.

Sign up for Connections, my newsletter, and download a free e-copy of Lily.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

Unconditional Love - Long Post

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

You’ve heard the term “Unconditional Love”.

What exactly does that mean?

As we’ve already learned “Unconditional” means without conditions or limits. That’s fairly concrete. We can discuss what a condition or limit is but for the most part we’d more easily come to agreement on that than we would on the word “Love”.

That may sound strange coming from someone who writes romance. But the word “love” has numerous definitions in part because it is used in a variety of contexts. We talk about how much we love foods, colors, clothes, etc. We also talk about ‘love’ when speaking about pets and places. Even when we are referencing people, there is a distinction i.e. l love my family. I love my friends. I love myself. I love you (a particularly significant person such as a spouse or lover). “Love” is one of those words that has gained such popularity that it is important for each of us to understand how we are using it.

Why? Because “Love” is a word that describes an emotional connection to something or someone.

In my work as Senior Faculty for The William Glasser Institute we teach that relationships are at the heart of problems—that if we all got along better (think unconditional acceptance and unconditional support) our world and the world around us would be a more peaceful place. (And Peaceful is not necessarily boring).

We also teach that when we use words like “love” each of us has our own individual picture or perception of what that would look like, what our personal manifestation of that word would be in our own life.

So keep that in mind as you consider Unconditional Love.

When two people say they ‘unconditionally love’ each other that does mean that they accept each other as they are. They do not enter the relationship wanting the other person to change. They want what is best for the other party without dictating what that “best” is.

The hardest part of that last paragraph comes when we see someone we love doing something we just Know will end in pain or disaster or both. Many of us have a strong “fix it” trait and it is hard to step back.

One thing I’ve found that helps me is to remember they are living their own lives, this is their path and there is something they need to learn or experience which is why whatever it is is happening to them at this point in time. Sometimes we have to experience the same situation more than once before we figure things out and sometimes we never to figure it out. When we try to ‘fix it’ for someone else, we take their power away from then and what’s worse, if it doesn’t work out, it is our fault.

Knowing yourself, your boundaries, having the wherewithal and skill to set and hold them without hostility is key to continuing to love someone and yet not approve of everything they choose to do. If you ever hear the words “If you loved me, you would …” come out of your mouth or said to you, you know you do not or are not Unconditionally Loved. This is also true if you just think them about another person.

Again, Dr. Glasser spoke and wrote about healthy boundaries. A core principle in Choice Theory is that our choices do not harm another person. However, you can accept, support and love someone and still say “no”.

Here is an example: You have a family member or friend who has addiction problems. It is not mean to say to that person, “You are always welcome in my home when you are clean and sober.” Sometimes you need to complete the thought with “You are not welcome when you are drunk or stoned.” Of course, if you are spewing angry energy into each word—

From my point of view, one of the most difficult tasks facing us on our life journey is to know ourselves and our needs, to set clear boundaries to protect ourselves and to keep them. Sacrificing ourselves in the name of ‘love’ is not – again from my perspective – loving. Enabling a people to continue to abuse themselves, others or you, is not loving.

Diana Pettybone finally faces the reality of her abusive marriage. And, it only gets worse. The emotional and verbal abuse escalates to physical. Her circle sisters support her in leaving her marriage and protecting her from further abuse. They do not support her when she wavers and considers returning to him. However, they only ask her questions to help her think things through e.g. “Why do you think he’s changed?” “What do you see him doing different?” “Why is it important to you what other people think?”

Each of the heroines in The Sacred Women’s Circle series faces a critical time when they must take the leap toward what they want, leaving behind what they’ve had, the safety of the known for the possible glory of their happily-ever-after. They make that decision knowing that regardless of their choice, they will continue to have the acceptance, support and love of their circle sisters.

If you look at one of the dictionary definitions of love “unselfish, loyal, benevolent concern for others”, supporting someone in abusing themselves or others (including us) is certainly not love.

Some of this is not easy to do. And, having said that, consider this:

What would your life be like if you were Unconditionally Loved and Loved Unconditionally?

Please leave a comment. I do want to know what you think.

Signup for Connections, my newsletter, and download a free e-copy of Lily.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Follow Judith on Twitter:@JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!