Glasser Wisdom: Useless Judgement

Glasser Wisdom: Useless Judgement

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

“Useless Judgements” What are they?

Useless judgements are those that, in some way, harm us. Here’s a partial list:

I’m too stupid to learn X.

I’m not good enough.

My spouse/kids/friends/neighbors are selfish/don’t care about my problems.

I’ll never be able to XXX.

S/he should do XXX.

S/he shouldn’t do XXX.

If I was a good parent my kids would always/would never XXX.

Or in more general terms:

Our negative self-talk.

Our critical judgement of others.

Our efforts to mold someone, to make them change.

If you read “The Ultimate Question” you saw the list of the Seven Deadly and Seven Caring Habits that Dr. Glasser created. Not only do the Seven Deadly Habits leech the joy from our relationships with others but as, if not more important, they suck the joy out of our own lives.

When you think of the term Useless Judgements, what comes to mind? Pay attention to where useless judgements pop up in your life. Where are you? What are you doing? Who is with you?

Next week I’ll share one way to eliminate or at least reduce the incidents of “Useless Judgement” in your life.

And for those of you who love spelling, "judgement" and "judgment" are both listed in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary on my desk.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdome: The Good and Bad in Judgement

Glasser Wisdom: The Good and Bad in Judgement

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the back wards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

I hope you had fun with your “mission” this past week.

My guess is that most of you see the importance of judgement in our lives. I’m dealing with some health issues around food. It seems there are some foods I used to be able to eat that my body now takes exception to. I’m adding foods into my diet one at a time to see who the culprits are. Many judgements going on with each new addition including what to add next and then how does my body feel.

There are basics such as food that are ‘it depends’. For some, they do not have the luxury of deciding what to eat. They are grateful for ‘something’ to eat. That is where their judgement comes in. Going further down that line of thinking, for some, the decision is what they will do to get food. Some are hungry enough to steal food. Some will sell themselves for food.

Whenever I hear the words “I had no choice”, I translate that into, this choice was the best one given my options.

This ties into the Myth of Choice. Somewhere in our lives we come to believe that there is always a ‘good choice’ if we can just figure it out.

That just isn’t true. Staying with food for our example.

We go to the grocery store with a special dinner menu in mind and with a budget to stick to. As we browse the aisles we find that while all the ingredients are there, their prices aren’t within our budget. So, the special dinner menu we anticipated isn’t available if we stick to our budget or we spend beyond our means to get what we want. If the dollar amount in our budget is finite and there isn’t any room to wiggle, we have more decisions to make as to what we will include or not include. Every phase of this shopping trip takes judgement.

At this point we have even more choices. We can bemoan the fact that we don’t have the money to buy what we want. We can berate the grocery store for charging such high prices. We can see if we can shop lift one of the ingredients so we can afford the special dinner.

Each one of these is a separate choice based on judgement. Depending on how important that special dinner is to you, you’ll make your decision based on the importance of the dinner rather than the possible consequences.

Judgements that are helpful to us are ‘good’. That also means the consequences of that judgement or decision is positive.

Judgements that have negative consequences in our lives are ‘bad’. Sometimes we stay so focused on what we want, we do not pay attention to possible consequences. And, that can create problems.

Reread my post on “The Ultimate Question” if you are having relationship issues. You may find a way to make better or good judgements/decisions.

Where are you making judgements that have negative consequences? Do you see a pattern?

I’ll be back next Monday with more about how “Useless judgements” leech joy from our lives and create havoc in our relationships with ourselves and others.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdom: The Ultimate Question by Judith Ashley

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

When engaging with others, asking ourselves “The Ultimate Question” often creates an environment that supports positive interactions and relationships. What is that question?

“If I say or do (fill in the blank) will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?”

Connected with “The Ultimate Question” is the idea of “Caring” and “Destructive” Habits which you learned of in earlier posts.

If your relationships are going well (and the other person/people think that also), then most likely you are already using the “caring habits”.

When relationships hit bumpy areas, most likely one or both of you are using the “deadly habits” in an effort to “Make” the other person change or agree with you.

In Choice Theory and Reality Therapy terms we say that is “External Control Psychology.” Around the world the prevalent thought is that we can control others when in actuality that is a myth of gigantic proportions.

As I write this post, someone is dying for principles that are more important than living. And, as I write this post, someone is making the choice to change in order to remain alive.

Judith and friend, Robin Kramme making positive choices

We all make choices based on our internal sense of what is important to us, what we believe in, what someone we love or respects wants us to do. So, it may feel like we are doing something we don’t really want to do but the truth is, we’d rather do it than experience the result of not doing it.

I've certainly done my share of household chores, school assignments and even work-related tasks over the years. Have I wanted to do all of them? No.

But I did.

Why?

Household chores: grounding, deductions from my allowance, arguing with my parents and still being expected to do the chore were incentives for Me to decide to do them – not necessarily with a smile on my face and joy in my heart but my parents did not expect that. More than once I had part of my allowance deducted and I was grounded because I would rather have that consequence than do the chore.

School assignments: Many, many boring chapters read, endless papers written, inane or maybe insane projects completed over sixteen plus years because I wanted to graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a salary increase by completing additional educational coursework. And, being who I am, it wasn’t acceptable to me to have poor grades. (My parents’ message was “as long as you do your best”).

Work-related tasks: Paycheck! When things were truly not something I wanted to do, I reminded myself I had a job and most of the people I worked with did not and because I had the job, I was getting paid to write the report, to check on the person, to spend time in a filthy hoarder house, etc.

I invite you to begin to monitor your internal process by paying attention to what is going on when you do something you don’t want to do.

If that is true then why are you doing it?

And, what is the consequence if you don't?

Please ask questions if this doesn’t make sense to you. And if it does? I’d love to hear from you in the comments’ section.

Interested in learning more about training in Dr. Glasser’s concepts? Email me at judith@judithashleyromance.com or check out training availability at http://wglasser.com.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Habits

Last month I posted about relationships and at the end of the post listed four questions.

You can read the original post here

You can read the posts covering the first questions here.

Today I'm following up on last week's post as well as the earlier ones by taking a look at the last two questions and The Ultimate Question's Seven Deadly and Caring Habits.

3. When you look at the disconnect, what are the others attempting to get or accomplish with their behavior?

4. What are you trying to get or accomplish in those relationships where there is a disconnect?

Relationships are tricky things. We have in our mind just how we want our relationships to be and when the other person/people don't show up as "they are supposed to", we have a variety of ways to choose to interact with them. The more important it is to us for the others to behave a certain way, the more likely we are to eventually turn to one or more of the seven deadly habits

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding to control (bribes)

When we engage in one of more of these deadly habits, there is something we want the other person to change. In our quest to have our vision of the relationship dominate, we can ignore what the other person's vision is.

However, when we put the relationship first and work together to craft one we are both satisfied with (yes, there may be compromise involved), we are more likely to be using the seven caring habits.

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

I've yet to experience a disconnect in a relationship where I continually employ the caring habits. Case in point: Over the years I've gained a reputation for being able to work with "difficult clients". 

What do I do?

I employ the seven caring habits which also support a safe environment which is often a new experience for "difficult clients" who've been consistently coerced to change.

Want to learn more?
Check out my Glasser Concepts Training website at http://glasserconceptstraining.com or visit The William Glasser Institute website here

To learn more about my writing life here

Always remember: Your Choices Today Determine Your Tomorrow

The Ultimate Question

When engaging with others, asking ourselves “The Ultimate Question” often creates an environment

Judith Ashley

that supports positive interactions and relationships. What is that question?

“If I say or do (fill in the blank) will it bring us closer together or will it push us further apart?”

Connected with “The Ultimate Question” is the idea of “Caring” and “Destructive” Habits which I’ll share in more detail next Monday.

If your relationships are going well (and the other person/people think that also), then most likely you are already using the “caring habits”.

When relationships hit bumpy areas, most likely one or both of you are using the “deadly habits in an effort to “Make” the other person change or agree with you.

In Choice Theory and Reality Therapy terms we say that is “External Control Psychology.” Around the world the prevalent thought is that we can control others when in actuality that is a myth of gigantic proportions.

As I write this post, someone is dying for principles that are more important than living. And, as I write this post, someone is making the choice to change in order to remain alive.

We all make choices based on our internal sense of what is important to us, what we believe in, what someone we love or respects wants us to do. So, it may feel like we are doing something we don’t really want to do but the truth is, we’d rather do it than experience the result of not doing it.

I've certainly done my share of household chores, school assignments and even work-related tasks over the years. Have I wanted to do all of them? No.

But I did.

Why?

Household chores: grounding, deductions from my allowance, arguing with my parents and still being expected to do the chore were incentives for Me to decide to do them – not necessarily with a smile on my face and joy in my heart but my parents did not expect that. More than once I had part of my allowance deducted and I was grounded because I would rather have that consequence than do the chore.

School assignments: Many, many boring chapters read, endless papers written, inane or maybe insane projects completed over sixteen plus years because I wanted to graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a salary increase by completing additional educational coursework. And, being who I am, it wasn't acceptable to me to have poor grades. (My parents’ message was “as long as you do your best”).

Work-related tasks: paycheck! When things were truly not something I wanted to do, I reminded myself I had a job and most of the people I worked with did not and because I had the job, I was getting paid to write the report, to check on the person, to spend time in a filthy hoarder house, etc.

Between now and next week monitor your internal process when you do something you tell yourself you don’t want to do. 

Why are you doing it? 

What would the consequence be if you didn't?

Next week I’ll share Dr. Glasser’s  Seven Deadly and Seven Caring Habits.

Remember: Your Choices Today Determine Your Tomorrow 

Check out my writing life at http://judithashleyromance.com

Check out my Glasser Concepts trainings and workshops at http://GlasserConceptsTraining.com