My Favorite Family and Friends!

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

I've been bless to have a circle of good friends. Here I am with a few of them!

Judith with Gimi and Connie. We talk each week and support each other in manifesting our Intentions

Diana McCollum, Sarah Raplee and Judith: co authors of Love and Magick

Lois is my First Reader

My neighbor, Juanita, is a passionate volunteer with at risk youth

Judith with some of her Glasser Family

Something else that brings me joy are children. I worked in domestic and international adoption for a few months shy of 30 years. I also was a child protective service worker, an immensely gratifying position. In particular I take great pleasure engaging with little ones in the grocery store checkout line.

Colleagues from my child welfare days. Gabriella is dedicated to them.

When I was in the 8^th grade I had a pen pal in Japan. We shared our hopes and dreams for our futures. (Remember this was in the mid-1950’s so my dreams were limited to wife/mother, nurse, teacher or secretary). I came across one of my letters (I always copied what I wrote her) a few years back. There it was in black and white albeit somewhat faded. I wanted to have 9 children (8 boys and 1 girl)!!! I even had names for everyone!!!

Judith with her granddaughters at her youngest's 8th grade promotion!

Judith, both her granddaughters and her great granddaughter

The Universe was merciful and I had one child, my son. He had two daughters, my granddaughters. The youngest granddaughter has two children—almost two and newborn.

Where I am in my life now, I remain grateful that I only had one child. Raising him as a single mom had its challenges. I won’t bore you with the details suffice it to say I have great respect for single moms everywhere. In fact, Hunter is dedicated to single mothers!!!

Also Lily is a single parents. And, even though Diana and Ashley are married, their husbands are not involved fathers.

Which is worse, knowing you are a single parent or parenting alone because your husband, the father of your children is emotionally and often physically absent?

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on her website.

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

© 2017 Judith Ashley

Thoughts of Friendships Old and New: Part IV

By Judith Ashley

I actually didn’t realize it then but my life as I knew it started a Massive Change twelve months ago. My youngest granddaughter, who’d lived with me all her life, graduated from high school and turned eighteen. I spent the summer and into the fall using a steroid inhaler and using a nebulizer. My aunt, the last of her generation, died in April at 103. I traveled to California in August for the Memorial Service. A few other cousins from across the US attended. And I stayed a few extra days to support my cousin in the overwhelming tasks of packing up 60+ years of her parents’ life.

I came home to my youngest granddaughter moving out, my health compromised even more from the trip and looking at my own home where I’ve lived almost forty years from a different perspective. Why do I have everything I do? When was the last time I thoroughly cleaned and dusted every book in the house? Was it fair to leave all the ‘cleaning up and sorting out’ to my heirs or should I do more myself?

During this time, I was in frequent phone contact with my best friend in Ohio who had memory problems. I made a commitment to myself and to her that I’d visit in the Spring.

Many memories of our time in Ireland.

Other life events? My youngest granddaughter announced she was going to have a baby girl in May. My best friend in Oregon was diagnosed with gall bladder problems and had surgery. My first reader was having health and business issues (she had to move locations at exactly the same time she was going to start reading #5 Hunter.

Shifting and adjusting to the events around me there were times I felt I was in the words of the Simon and Garfunkle song “slip sliding away”. But I hung on. I was a friend and in that world, I knew it was my job to understand, make allowances for and make the adjustments when problems arose.

I kept my commitment to spend quality time in Ohio. I traveled on May 4^th and arrived at my friend’s door at 7 p.m. EDT. I left on May 20^th at 2 p.m. and arrived home at 10 p.m. PDT. I’d had many ‘hopes’ for my time with my friend. Some hopes were realized. We looked at photo albums and reminisced about trips we’d made together. We ate Grater’s ice cream. We ordered pizza from LaRosa’s. Other hopes were not realized – at least my hopes weren’t. While there was a subtle shift in cognitive thinking, it wasn’t a significant shift.  I left thankful I’d made the trip and yet a blanket of sadness coated my heart.

The “what if’s” bombarded me. The “if only’s” piled up. I was her best friend. She was

my best friend. We’d been friends since we first met in July 1980 at a Glasser Conference in Houston, Texas.

Since my return to Oregon, I’ve struggled with what my relationship with my friend would be, would look like. Would it help her if I returned and spent six months or even a year? Would it help if I called her every ________ at exactly the same time?

And over arcing those questions? How can I call myself her best friend if I don’t do each of those things and more? After all, best friends show up however they are needed.

So I’ve been on a journey reframing my concept of who I am within the context of the words “friend” and “friendship”.

Dr. William Glasser, MD was a very wise man. His psychological theory “Choice Theory” is an explanation of how and why we behave. One of the concepts is about ‘true conflict’.

Thinking about my conundrum from that perspective I know there is no way I can be in Ohio for six months or a year because I have other commitments here. And, to be honest, she is used to living alone. I’m not sure that having someone, even me, living with her 24/7 would make her happy. My visiting again? Yes.

So, the conundrum is of my own making in many respects. It is the picture I have of myself as a friend that is not being matched by my actions. And, if I did match my actions to that picture of myself as her friend, I’d have other pictures of myself as an author, mother, grandmother, sister, cousin, friend, circle sister, neighbor, etc. that would not be matched. There is no decision I can make that will assure all my expectations of myself will be matched. And that is a True Conflict.

Which is why I’m reframing my idea of what being her friend is.

So far I’ve come up with “as long as she knows who I am, I’ll be a part of her life. I’ll call and talk to her on the phone, send her cards and notes, and hopefully have another in person visit with her”. 

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul.

Learn more by visiting her website.

See her author page at Windtree Press.

Thoughts of Friendships New and Old - Part Three

By Judith Ashley

The words "friend" and "friendships" bring specific 'pictures' to mind. When I think of the word "friend", my list is short in that there are not hundreds of people on it. I tend to separate that general category into more specific ones: acquaintances, colleagues, friends, best friends.

One reason this is important for me is that I have personal expectations for myself and the people in each category.

Acquaintance: someone I know either in person or in cyber-land. This person is not a colleague but also not really a friend. I engage with this person but do not on an 'in depth' level. We may enjoy talking about books we've read, flowers we like to grow, favorite foods/restaurants, etc. But while in some ways this is personal information, it is more superficial. There are people in my neighborhood I see as 'acquaintances'. I know who they are. We wave or even stop to chat about their garden or a neighborhood event when I'm out on my walk.

Colleague: someone with whom I have a special interest connection. They may be a member of one of the Romance Writers of America chapters to which I belong, or another author who does not write romance. Perhaps I know this person through my long association with The William Glasser Institute or my past employment with The State of Oregon or Multnomah County.

Friends: Obviously this is someone I know however they've moved from the acquaintance or colleague category to 'friend'. Why? Our relationship is broader based. We spend social time together. We talk about world events as well as topics near and dear to our hearts. We listen and problem solve when life's challenges appear. We support each other's life journey through encouraging words and celebrating successes.

My friend, Lois

Best Friends: Considering the number of people I know, I've very few people in my life at this level. We share our journeys through life by being with each other in the good and the bad times. We know many of the intimate details of each other's lives. We're attuned to our friend's energy (or lack of it). We'll put our own needs aside in order to support each other.

It may seem strange to some to separate people I know into different levels of engagement but it works for me. The main reason is works is because I have a set of expectations for myself as the other part of the relationship.

I'm friendly and present when engaging with an acquaintance. 

I'm friendly and present when engaging with a colleague but beyond that, I'm open to sharing information, resources, etc. In other words, when appropriate, supporting them 'up the ladder'.

With friends, I expect myself to still be friendly and present when engaging with them. I also expect that I'll share more of my feelings/emotions about things. Perhaps adding some past experiences that color where I'm at these days. I'll offer to help this person by listening, calling to check in, or whatever they need when life is challenging. I'll also show up with chocolate, a gift, or a song (at least in my heart) when things are going well. If a friend needs me, I'll make an effort to be there.

A best friend is all of the above and more. I pay closer attention to my best friends. If they ask, I will rearrange things in my own life so I can show up. I make the calls without being asked. I listen with a heightened intensity to the words and what's behind the words. I look for ways to be supportive. And, I have a higher level of expectation for people who are my best friends. They are loyal. I trust them implicitly. They are honest - even telling me things I'd rather not hear but most likely need to.

What I've learned about myself and this categorizing of relationships is that I have certain standards for myself that impact how I feel when I don't meet them. And, my meeting my own standards is more important than my friends and best friends meeting them. After all, how can I expect them to meet a standard I've set that they don't even know about?

Am I alone in this? Do you categorize or "see" the people in your life differently depending on the relationship?

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nourish the soul. Hunter the fifth book in the series is due out this summer. You can learn more about Judith's books at Windtree Press.

Thoughts on Friendships Old and New - Part One

I'm Judith Ashley. I write romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nourish the soul.

I’m one of those people who don’t have lots of friends but the ones I have, I keep. May 2015 was a month about friendships.

My friend of almost 35 years whose name is also Judith lives in Ohio. I’d missed visiting her last year due to some health problems. This year I was determined to make the trip—and I did.

Judith, Gimi, Connie

However, my month of friendships started on May 1 when I spend time with my Intention Sisters, Gimi and Connie. We’d just spent a couple of days in Depoe Bay, Oregon my all-time favorite place on the Oregon coast. Saturday, May 2, they both left for their homes in Texas and Arizona after we shared breakfast at Elmer’s.

Monday, May 4^th I traveled from Oregon to Ohio—an exhausting trip in many ways but I did read Paty Jager’s first Shandra Higheagle mystery. If you haven’t read Paty’s books, I highly recommend them.

My friend, Judith was waiting on her front porch for me and the delight at seeing me rejuvenated my tired body. We’ve always talked on the phone in between visits but it had been almost 5 years since we’d seen each other. It is no surprise to people who know me that we were up until 2 a.m. Ohio time talking!

That really set the pattern for my visit—10 to 14 hours of conversation each day, much of it intense, over the next 15 days. Why were there intense conversations? 

Because my best friend of 35 years has significant memory loss and so I answered the same question numerous times during my visit. And, some of the questions were challenging: Did I think she was safe in her home? Did I think she was a bad driver? Did I really think her short term memory loss was that bad? Why did I think she needed to wear a ‘life line’ button?

Sunset just north of Depoe Bay, Oregon

We got out picture albums and revisited our trips to Ireland and the Balkans both during the war and a few years later. We reminisced about other adventures we had. She has fond memories of New Orleans and I don’t. I have fond memories of Seattle and her memories of that last visit are vague. We both love the Oregon Coast and I’d love to have her back for another visit there but she doesn’t think she wants to travel any more.

Because she no longer drives outside her neighborhood, I offered to take her to places further away that have been important in her life and that she continues to talk about missing.

She declined.

We talked about getting our picture taken together but never followed through. We talked about my coming back next year or maybe this fall. Time will tell.

On the left is a picture of me with a lei from Hawaii.

Check back next week to see the story behind this picture.

To learn more about The Sacred Women's Circle series, check out 

My author page at Windtree Press and 

My Judith Ashley Romance website.

June 5th I'll have a post up at Romancing The Genres. June is our "Shout Out For Charity" month. I'm spotlighting "Beading The Odds", a non-profit that is making a difference in the lives of young men who are incarcerated at Oregon's McClaren's School for Boys.

If you are looking for great books to read over the summer, check out the posts from the Genre-istas at RTG as well as at Windtree Press.

Love Is More Than a Feeling - 2

My February 4th post :Love Is More Than A Feeling" ended with four questions. This month we'll explore those questions and answers using Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory and Reality Therapy as the foundation for possible answers.

Judith and Friends

Why these four questions? Because if we step back and honestly answer them, we can see our relationships with others differently. Even after over forty years of knowing of Dr. Glasser and over thirty-six years of involvement with The William Glasser Institute, I use these questions when I want to figure out what is happening in my relationships, especially if something doesn't seem to be going "right".

Sometimes it's a challenge to answer these four questions honestly much less have a conversation with the other person about what your perception is of what's going on.

1. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and 1 low/bad, how congruent are the words and actions of the people you love towards you?

If there is a high degree of congruence, you are most likely very happy in this relationship. However, in general the more in-congruence, the increase is in unhappiness.

Rule of Thumb: if you like what's going on, keep doing what you're doing.

Problems occur when there is more in-congruence than we want. For example: you are a new parent and getting ready to go out for the evening. Your baby spits up on your shirt/blouse as you lean over to kiss her goodbye. Being covered in baby puke is seldom seen as a positive. However, most adults do not believe some action needs to be taken (other than changing clothes).

Another example: in your family the roles of husband and wife were clearly delineated. You and your new spouse talked about wanting more of a partnership, a sharing of household tasks. Months into your new arraignment, you realize you are the only one taking the garbage out. The next time the garbage needs to go out you say "It's your turn." If you're succinct that's all you say. If you want to make a point, you remind your spouse that since you moved into this place, they have never taken the garbage out.

Yes, even something this small and insignificant in the relative scheme of things can create bigger problems. If in your family, you saw that taking the garbage out was a sign of caring for the other spouse, you may not even realize that was your perception until you are the only one taking it out.

Baby spitting up? That's what babies do.

Do we like it? Not particularly but that's what babies do.

Leaving me to take the garbage out? That's a sign I'm disrespected or maybe not loved as much or ?

2. Looking at your most important relationships and using a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being high/good and l low/bad, how congruent are Your Words and Actions towards the people in your life you love?

In general we find it easier to look at someone else's behavior than our own. To create a high level of connectedness which can also be seen as unconditional love or unconditional acceptance, we must look at our part in the relationship.

How I communicate my perception of the whole "who takes the garbage out" situation matters. Even the succinct "It's your turn" if said in a negative tone (critical, sarcastic, nagging, etc.) creates repercussions we may not want. If we add the history of who has and hasn't taken the garbage out, we are upping the ante and increasing the odds of distance between ourselves and our spouses.

Here we are, six months into the marriage, we are the only ones who are taking the garbage out and we thought we had an agreement of sharing household tasks. It doesn't feel like we are doing any sharing of this one.

A. Why is it important that your spouse also take out the garbage? What is "the other" meaning of that task to you? (See above for one example).

B. How and when do you bring the topic up if, after you've answered "A", you still this task handled differently? (Hint: neutral is best. One tactic that backfires in the long, if not the short run, is to bargain for control. "I'll fix your favorite dessert if you will..." 

C. In any relationship, establishing boundaries in communication is important. Basics are no threats, swearing, name-calling, etc.

After dinner while you are both clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen?

During a commercial in a television movie or sporting event?

While getting ready for bed? or getting ready in the morning?

What do you say to start the conversation?

Sweetie, do you realize you never take the garbage out?

Remember before we got married we talked about sharing household tasks? How do you think that's going?

The other day I realized a holdover from my family I'd like to share with you. My dad always took the garbage out and my mom always thanked him and gave him a hug and a kiss when he came back in. Or maybe In my family we always knew we were in trouble when we had to take the garbage out.

The purpose of this post is not to tell you what to do or even how to do it but to present some ideas that will provide a framework for you to think about the level of connectedness or disconnectedness in your relationships. 

The conversation continues next Monday. If you have questions, please ask. If you have examples of how you bring up for discussion sensitive or difficult subjects, please share.

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute and schedules training leading to Certification in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory and Reality Therapy.

Learn more about her work with Dr. Glasser’s conceptswww.glasserconceptstraining.com or check out TheWilliam Glasser Institute for more information on training and educational opportunities.

Learn more about her writing and The Sacred Women’s Circle series at www.judithashleyromance.com

Synchronicities and blogging

Have you ever had a moment in time when if you had a fraction of a second you could change something. I'd just finished this weeks blog when the little finger of my right hand grazed some key and everything vanished.

My first reaction was AAAGGGHHH!!!! Then I looked at the title and thought, what is the synchronicity in having to rewrite this blog. The original post was introducing you to the three women who will be posting over the next three Thursdays (Courtney on July 8th, Michele on July 15th and Gimi on July 23).

Without Synchronicity, without Intention I'm not sure I'd have the relationships with them that I do. I met Courtney by 'accident' when she asked me a question when we were both attending the Desert Dreams Writers Conference in Scottsdale, AZ. If I hadn't had the door to my hotel room open, she wouldn't have been able to ask me a question and I wouldn't know her.

Gimi invited me to participate in an on-line class on Master Minding. I'd known Gimi for several years as we both belong to The William Glasser Institute's Northwest Region. In 1997 she was Program Chair and I was co-chair for that year's International Conference in Seattle, Washington. Through our weekly telephone calls, our relationship has grown and we consider each other to be friends.

Michele and I have been friends for well-over thirty years. Best friends for most of that time. We learned about the power of Intention and Synchronicity when we both attended Lifespring in the mid-1980's. The Intention to stay strong in our friendship, to put our relationship first over our individual needs (most of the time) is the foundation upon which we've built the longest lasting strongest personal relationship either of us has.

I invite you to look around you and see who you have in your life who adds a richness, a fuller meaning and analyze how that came to be. If you are like me, you'll see a plethora of synchronicities.