Who Comes First?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Who comes first?

If we don’t unconditionally accept, support and love ourselves, putting someone else’s needs ahead of our own is at best challenging and at worst impossible.

And, even when we do love ourselves, depending on what is asked of us? 

Well, that can bring a different challenge.

Friends grow and change, get married, move—each of those life events means changes on some level in our lives.

In my case I’ve two long-time friends who have dementia. As their memory diminishes and our shared adventures fade, it is even more important for me to stay in a neutral place, to ask myself what can I do to unconditionally support and love them through this phase of their lives.

My choices are made taking into consideration where they are in their life journey. I accept there isn’t anything I can do to change their situations. Their brains are damaged.

In all of my books, I show women who unconditionally accept each other –foibles and all.

At some point in their story, each woman faces a choice that will be life altering (and some face those decisions more than once).

What is important is they are not alone.

The Circle is there. The Circle offers them a haven and support. The Circle does not have an expectation for what their members Will Do or Must Do but, instead waits to support what each woman decides to do.

Do they wait in silence? Sometimes.

But they will also offer a perspective, usually in the form of a question.

A favorite question I use that I learned as a student of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management is “If there was a way to ???? and ???? would you be interested in  exploring that?”

Elizabeth is asked “If there was a way to marry Michael in Ireland and stay in The Circle in Fremont, OR would she be interested?”

When Logan does not want to see her mother, Hunter is asked what is more important, knowing her daughter is safe and protected or being there with her?

Sophia is a widow who falls in love with Cam Mitchell who works in law enforcement. Her question? Is it better to live with love in the Now than to live without love into the future?

It isn’t that when the question is asked each woman automatically is clear on the answer.

Doubts surface. Questions that start with words like “But— How” are asked. Because they have the support of their Circle Sisters, they find a way past the doubts and fears!

One of the things I’ve learned in my own life and in writing these stories is that there are times when we need to focus on the What and trust that the How will reveal itself.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

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My New Life - Creating My Tomorrow

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women's Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul.

November is a special month for many reasons. It’s my birthday month. It’s Thanksgiving’s month. And now it is the month that starts a new season of my life.

A little background is in order.

My granddaughter and great granddaughter have lived with me this past year. Having them here was a blessing in many ways but it also created challenges in keeping to my Writing Goals. Having a little face light up when she toddled into my office in the morning, wanting hugs, up and to share kisses? Well, sucker that I am, that took precedence over whatever I was working on. And then there were the emergency child care days when the regular people weren’t available. Of course I said ‘yes’ and turned off the computer.

Ringing my gong almost a year ago

Last Friday they moved on to their new life and that meant I either went back to my old life from before they arrived or I created a new life.

Since it’s my birthday month, I decided a new life was what I wanted to create.

Rearranging the furniture came first.

Well, not exactly—first was the cleaning. No, actually first happened over the last two weeks they were here. I went through every kitchen cupboard and shelf as well as the pantry shelves and where I store other things. If I couldn’t remember when I last used it, I put it out for her to take. Setting up a household for the first time can be expensive! And since I was going to be a household of one did I really need 8 spatulas?

When they pulled out of the driveway, I rearrange the kitchen and cleaned the countertops.

Next came changing the arrangement of my living room furniture.

Life is about choices. And I firmly believe my Glasser tagline:

Your Choices Today Create Your Tomorrow.

Since I want my “tomorrow” to be filled with love and gratitude, I’m choosing to focus on what I want to create or manifest in this new phase of my life.

What about you? Have you a defining moment in your life when you’ve made major changes, even deciding to take your life in a new direction?

Please share!

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

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Glasser Wisdom: Judgement: Can We Live Without It?

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the back wards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

Judgement or if you prefer, evaluation, assessment, discernment, comparison (actually there are even more names we use instead of ‘judgement’). For the sake of this post, I’m using the term ‘judgement’ to include any word that describes how we make decisions/choices.

If you read my “All Behavior Is Purposeful” post, you know that Dr. Glasser teaches that all we can do is behave and that all behavior is purposeful and it is our best effort at the time to achieve something we want.

How does ‘judgement’ fit in to this?

Everything we do is based on ‘judgement’. Here's a simple example.

Three friends are out exploring their city on a warm summer afternoon. They decide to stop at an outdoor café for something cold to drink.

First judgement: it’s warm

Second judgement: outdoor café

Third judgement: something cold to drink

They haven’t even seen the menu or ordered.

After seeing the menu they order lemonade.

Fourth judgement(s): checking out the menu, deciding on lemonade

Server brings three identical glasses of lemonade. The friends clink their glasses together in a toast to a fun day together and take a sip.

“This is great lemonade,” one friend says licking her lips.

“Oh no, it’s not sweet enough,” another friend says, her mouth puckering.

“You’re both wrong,” says the third friend setting down her glass and pushing it away. “It’s too sweet.”

This simple example translates to millions of judgements we make every day.

Your mission, if you choose to take it, is twofold. 

One: Pay attention to the myriad of decisions/judgements you make every day.

Two: Ask yourself: How can I live my life without judgement? No food is too hot, cold, sweet, spicy. No bed too soft, hard, etc. No commute too long. And then come back next Monday and we'll proceed with the good and bad in judgement.

Also, I strongly encourage you to click here and read “All Behavior Is Purposeful”. You may see your judgements in a whole new light.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Glasser Wisdom: External Control - Does It Ever Work? by Judith Ashley

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. She is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute.

Dr. William Glasser first came to notice in the 1960’s due to his work at the Ventura School for Girls and the backwards of the V.A. Hospital in Los Angeles. I heard of Dr. Glasser in the late 60’s but it was 1978 before I took my first Basic Intensive Training. To learn more about this remarkable man’s life, I encourage you to read “Champion of Choice” by Jim Roy.

I remember clearly when Dr. Glasser told a story about a friend of his who taught criminal justice classes at a university. His friend attended a conference and even though he’d been warned about the importance of being careful when going in or out of his room, the professor found himself face-to-face with a robber.

The robber had a gun and demanded the professor’s wallet.

The professor refused.

“I’ll give you my money,” he said pulling out cash and handing it over, "but not my wallet."

The robber grabbed the money and ran.

As the story goes, the professor didn’t even give him all of his money.

Faced with an armed robber, he did not do as he was told. Not only did he not give him all of his money, he didn’t hand over his wallet.

Why? Because of the hassle of getting a new driver’s license, credit cards, etc.

Each of us has at least one story to tell, perhaps not of facing an armed robber, but a time and place where we were asked/told to do something and we didn’t.

Each of us also has numerous stories to tell where we did something we weren’t thrilled to do. Often in those circumstances we say to ourselves and anyone else within ear shot that we ‘have to do this’ or ‘XXX made us do this’.

When we do this, we denied our choice in the matter.

How does denying we have choices help us?

I don’t think it does but I observe people every day use Dr. Glasser’s Seven Deadly Habits to try to control the world around them (and even themselves).

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding to control (bribes)

The challenge is that there are times it “appears as if” they work. The student sits back down. Your spouse takes care of the task. Your children go to bed with no complaining. Your mother-in-law agrees with you. We all can give examples where one of these deadly habits "works".

Are you someone who criticizes yourself for not doing, being, having, etc.?

Does it work?

Sometimes? Why only sometimes?

Even rewarding with a bribe which at least can have a positive element to it, doesn’t always work.

When you think about problems, whether in your own life or in the world, it generally boils down to negative relationship.

Glasser’s Seven Caring Habits: (I first talked about the Deadly and Caring habits in a 2015 post. For more examples and ideas you can read it here).

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

are ways to create and maintain positive healthy relationships.

Next week we’ll explore “Love Is More Than A Feeling” and what that really means.

You can learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series on my website.

Check out my Windtree Press author page.

Follow me on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

I’m also on Facebook

© 2016 Judith Ashley

Today's Choice Creates Our Tomorrows

By Judith Ashley

There is a commercial that shows teenagers deciding where to hide. They choose the garage full of chain saws. We might see that commercial and laugh but there are people who go against their gut instinct and pay the ultimate price.

But I’m not writing about television commercials or those decisions that end so badly. I’m sharing a truth from my own life and observations.

Even simple choices like what to eat or whether to go for a walk have an effect on our tomorrows.

Whether we write today or procrastinate?

Whether we do due diligence with my research?

Whether we read the fine print in a contract?

Every decision we make creates what our tomorrow will be. In some cases, it may not literally be “tomorrow”. Unless we’ve a particular sensitivity or allergy to a particular food, let’s use dairy for an example, the ice cream or whipped cream, whole milk, cheese we eat today or even this week most likely will not show up as a problem.

But if we continue, it is possible that in the future we will have health problems such as 

heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, diabetes and being overweight.

Short term gratification can create long term health, financial and other issues because we don’t see that there is an immediate price. Because there isn’t. If we are healthy, one piece of cheesecake is not going to kill us.

What is helping me make some lifestyle changes is reminding myself that the little decisions I make each day, over time, can create problems.

To me it is clear to me that My Choices Today Do Create My Tomorrow.

What current choice are you considering changing so your future is better?

Judith Ashley is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual traditions that nurture the soul. The first five books in the series are available through major e-vendors and Judith’s Windtree Press Author page and website.

Judith is also on the Senior Teaching Faculty of The William Glasser Institute - International.

Check out her GlasserConcepts website.

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s FB page here.