Use Men As An Example?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

I attended an event in September that had some Very Slow time and me, being me, I got out my pen and paper and made notes about topics for my October, November and December blog posts. So here I am writing the last post for November. My note?

Use men as example. OMG, what did I mean when I wrote down those four words? At first I thought I just wasn’t reading it correctly. After all, it was at the end of the page and written over something printed.

Then I realized my note to myself wasn’t just about men. It was about wanting to change our partners, make them different, mold them into something better.

Again, my work with Dr. William Glasser comes in handy. A concept we work with: The Only Person We Can Control Is Ourself.

Some people argue that isn’t true but if we look at the concept, really look at options, we know it is true. If we are controlled by others, we would always do what they say. There are instances where, when a gun was put to their head, some took the bullet rather than comply with the request.

Most relationships end because one person was unable to change the other person. When the bloom is off the romance, when the bills come in, when life is hard, when the children are sick and the roof leaks—the relationship is stressed and that’s when we more clearly see the “flaws” in each other.

The reality he never cooks doesn’t matter until the day you and two kids huddle in bed. You each have your own bucket to puke in because the toilet is too far away. “Where’s dinner?” he asks coming in the door. Your stomach roils at the thought of food, both kids are down to dry heaves. “What am I going to eat?”

She loves to shop and you love to see her in a great new outfit but then the company downsizes and you are out of a job. Oh, but we have savings, she says. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll get another job --- and there was this great 50% off sale. I saved us $150.00!!!

These may seem like extreme scenarios but I lived one of them and it wasn’t about shopping.

In Ashley when she’s diagnosed with recurrent breast cancer, the “in sickness and in health” vow in her marriage is broken. Her husband leaves and does not take the three children, and does not pay the bills.

It is pointless to try to change someone else. People die every day for a cause or religion they believe in. Just think suicide bomber.

The only person’s behavior we can change is our own. And when we focus on unconditionally accepting, supporting and loving ourselves all of our relationships benefit.

And one last thought: while we cannot change someone else, they may make a decision to change on their own. In Diana we see the inner workings in an abusive marriage. Diana does not immediately leave when her marriage is in trouble. Nor does she file for a restraining order or divorce. Numerous decisions in her life were made in order to please her parents and then her husband. Who is she in her own right? Until she finds that part of herself she’s frozen in time unable to stay in a soulless marriage but unable to move on.

Until we unconditionally accept, support and love ourselves, our relationships will never be as rich and fulfilling as they could be. And coming to love and understand ourselves opens up doorways to other relationships of which we could only dream.

I’ll end this post with repeating a truth from the air travel industry. “Put on your oxygen mask before you help others with theirs.” That is at the core of unconditionally loving ourselves. “We take care of ourselves first so we have something to give to others.”

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” 

Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

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Who Comes First?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Who comes first?

If we don’t unconditionally accept, support and love ourselves, putting someone else’s needs ahead of our own is at best challenging and at worst impossible.

And, even when we do love ourselves, depending on what is asked of us? 

Well, that can bring a different challenge.

Friends grow and change, get married, move—each of those life events means changes on some level in our lives.

In my case I’ve two long-time friends who have dementia. As their memory diminishes and our shared adventures fade, it is even more important for me to stay in a neutral place, to ask myself what can I do to unconditionally support and love them through this phase of their lives.

My choices are made taking into consideration where they are in their life journey. I accept there isn’t anything I can do to change their situations. Their brains are damaged.

In all of my books, I show women who unconditionally accept each other –foibles and all.

At some point in their story, each woman faces a choice that will be life altering (and some face those decisions more than once).

What is important is they are not alone.

The Circle is there. The Circle offers them a haven and support. The Circle does not have an expectation for what their members Will Do or Must Do but, instead waits to support what each woman decides to do.

Do they wait in silence? Sometimes.

But they will also offer a perspective, usually in the form of a question.

A favorite question I use that I learned as a student of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, Reality Therapy and Lead Management is “If there was a way to ???? and ???? would you be interested in  exploring that?”

Elizabeth is asked “If there was a way to marry Michael in Ireland and stay in The Circle in Fremont, OR would she be interested?”

When Logan does not want to see her mother, Hunter is asked what is more important, knowing her daughter is safe and protected or being there with her?

Sophia is a widow who falls in love with Cam Mitchell who works in law enforcement. Her question? Is it better to live with love in the Now than to live without love into the future?

It isn’t that when the question is asked each woman automatically is clear on the answer.

Doubts surface. Questions that start with words like “But— How” are asked. Because they have the support of their Circle Sisters, they find a way past the doubts and fears!

One of the things I’ve learned in my own life and in writing these stories is that there are times when we need to focus on the What and trust that the How will reveal itself.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

 You can also find Judith on FB!

Unconditional Love - Romantic Love

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

Since I write romance, there are people who assume that when I’m talking about “unconditional love” I’m referring to romantic love. However, unconditional love is so much more. It encompasses all of our relationships: family, friends, pets can all be recipients of our unconditional love. And the opposite is also true—they can be the givers.

I’ve friends who only experience unconditional love from their pets.

I’ve other friends who, over time, have created unconditional love in their marriages.

I’ve also other friends who grew up in families where love was conditional, given only if they met the approval of the adults.

During the years I was a Child Protective Service worker I listened to many parents explain that the harsh discipline they meted out “hurt me more than the child” and what they did in no way compared to what was done to them as a child.

As I listened, I had dual emotions fighting within me.

Looking at the bruised and battered 5 or 15 year old and accepting the parent’s truth – what they endured was worse?!? A profound sadness that that person had been treated that way, lived with that horror. Turning my head so I saw the child, heated anger would course through my body. How could anyone do that to a child regardless of what it was that child had done or not done.

Not an easy job but a very rewarding one.

What I always remembered as I did that job and others where I saw the worst side of folks was “this was the best this person could do in this situation.” I couldn't begin to imagine living a life where being an abuser was the best I could.

A simple truth is: it may be best for them but that doesn’t mean it is “best” for the people around them.

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Unconditionally accepting that this was their “best” allowed me to feel compassion. If this was their “best” how hellish must their lives be!!!

Unconditionally supporting them to make changes came next. Because first and foremost, the people around them deserved to feel safe, to live fear-free lives.

Back to that simple truth. We can unconditionally love someone and yet know that we cannot spend time with them, or not much time with them, or not alone time with them. Unconditional love does not mean we put someone aside. It means we accept them as they are, support them as appropriate and continue to love them.

Another example: I know several families who have a family member who is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. The family unconditionally accepts this person understanding that addictions are part choice and part physiological. They know that using drugs and alcohol is a sign that person is in “pain” of some kind.

However, they do not support the person’s addiction.

Instead they support that person’s sobriety. They welcome their family member into their home when they are clean and sober. The door is always open to them, their love does not waver. If asked, they will offer advice, suggestions on getting help but they do not nag, criticize, threaten and NEVER withhold their love until their family member is clean and sober.

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!

What is Unconditional Love?

Judith is the author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic fiction that honors spiritual practices that nourish the soul and celebrates the journey from relationship to romance.

That's a million dollar question!

One answer I've heard from people talking about their childhoods. "No matter what, I always knew I was loved." Translation? I screwed up and sometimes really screwed up but never did I doubt that I was loved (by the adult figures in my life - could be mom, dad, grandparents, etc.).

When I was raising my son, one of the best pieces of parenting advice I got was to always separate the deed from the doer. What that meant was I was clear in my communication that it was what was done that was the problem. And when it is a deed/task, it can be fixed, repaired or mended.

At one point in my life I was in an abusive marriage. At that time I thought I'd done something wrong and that was why I was being abused. It was also a time when there was no domestic violence and women were considered chattel of their husbands in some parts of the country.

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When I look back on that time period I know it really wasn't about me. It was about him. He lashed out physically because in his world, the man is the boss and the woman was the servant (I didn't do servant very well). And, he didn't want to appear "hen-pecked" so, of course he couldn't do something I asked him to do. It was his "job" or "role" to "teach me" to be a "good wife" so he was just doing what he had to do.

Now at this point in my life I know that it isn't about me at all. Each of us is always doing our best to take care of ourselves.

That doesn't mean that we stay in relationships that are harmful to us. The first person to be unconditionally in love with is ourselves. When we love ourselves, we will not stay with someone who harms us.

Here is an exercise to try on to see how unconditionally in love you are with yourself.

Find a mirror. One where you can see your whole face.
Hold the mirror (or stand in front of it) and look yourself in the eyes.

Keep your gaze fixed on yourself while you say aloud "I love you"

Monitor how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally as you repeat "I love you."

Do you look away? Do you glance up or down? What do you feel in your body?

What does your mind say? "Yes!" "So True!" or is it something negative.

What about your emotions? Some people find they tear up during this exercise, some cry, some feel despair. What do you feel?

Check out Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" for other exercises and affirmations you can do until you say with joy in your voice and heart "I Love You!"

Your free copy of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl is waiting for you.

Go to JudithAshleyRomance.com and sign up for my occasional newsletter “Connections.” Follow the prompts to download your own digital copy of the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle series.

Learn more about The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: @JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB!